AITHA for divorcing my depressed wife because her depression and depression induced spending are dragging me down?
At what point do I leave my wife because her depression and depression-induced spending is dragging me down?
When my wife (36F) and I met (35M), I was in an MBA program, and she was finishing up her certification process to become a Nurse Anesthesiologist. I was drawn to drive and optimistic view of the world. We were both young adults (26 and 27) who saw the world as an endless source of opportunity. We discussed having kids when we were more established in our careers.
After graduation, we both went to work; I got a job consulting, making 200k a year with a signing bonus, and have continued to grow in my career; my wife was crushing it at her dream hospital, making 150k before overtime. We were so happy traveling and enjoying ourselves, we eventually bought our home and were truly living our dreams. Until about 3 years ago, my wife had a mental breakdown at home between shifts at the hospital. She was eventually hospitalized for a few weeks.
After she came home, we agreed she would take 6 months off to recover, and I would take care of us. Immediately, she started spending an average of 2-3k every other week. Traveling with friends and weekend trips. She stopped helping around the house and was constantly out of the house. I completely supported this for the first 6 months; she said it was part of her healing process, and I understand entirely (through sickness and health.)
Then, the agreed 6 months passed, and I asked if she was ready to return to work part-time. This caused her to shut down, so I backed off. Then, a year passed and revisited again, another breakdown ensued. I asked if she was ready to consider starting our family and being a homemaker instead of working. We were in a great financial position and didn't need the money.
She agreed, and for the last year, we have been trying to have a baby; we have even done fertility testing and been given a " you are both healthy. Keep trying." Last week, I was driving her car and dropped my phone; I pulled over to grab it from under the driver's seat and, to my surprise, found birth control pills.
I was shocked and turned around on my way to work to confront her. She broke down and called me an abuser for trying to force kids on her. She has never told me she didn't want kids, and I would absolutely never push her. She then started blaming me for her breakdown, she said it's my fault she can't work. I then brought up how I have handled 95 percent of the cooking and cleaning for the last 3 years because I was trying to support her and allow her to heal while she traveled and racked up a 10k credit bill every month for me to pay off.
Since she has shut down and refuses to talk to me, I have been sleeping at our vacation house because she says it's " detrimental to her mental health to share a space with me, her abuser." I can't shake the feeling that I have been lied to and taken advantage of for years now. I want a divorce, but at the same time, if she is genuinely sick, I don't want to abandon her. Am I an Ahole for even considering leaving my sick wife? I can't shake the feeling that I'm selfish for even considering this.
Edit: To address common questions 1. Yes, my wife has been in active therapy for the last 3 years, and I have proof of this.
She is not having an affair. Our sex is good to very good. Also, many of these trips include her mother, whom I trust unconditionally.
Please stop soliciting me in the DMs; I have no intention of cheating on my wife.
I have stayed so long because I genuinely love my wife and want to ensure she is cared for. Even now, after getting so much feedback confirming my feelings, I feel incredibly guilty. I feel that I am responsible for her well-being, and I'm terrified of what her life would look like without me.