Mom wants me to come take care of her

I am 22 F and my mom is 47 F. In her early 40s she discovered that she has multiple sclerosis. In case anyone doesn’t know what MS is: “A disease in which the immune system eats away at the protective covering of nerves. In MS, resulting nerve damage disrupts communication between the brain and the body.”

Most people with MS are able to manage it with medication and physical therapy, however unfortunately my mother has the type that is rapidly progressing. She says the pills don’t work.

For the last 4 years she’s been using a walker around the house. Last summer her disease progressed to be even worse. She cannot use her legs at all and she is fully confined to her bed. Ever since, she has been calling me and asking me to come take care of her. And that’s what’s expected of me as her daughter. I’m obligated to take care of her even though she never took care of me.

For context, my mother and I don’t have a good relationship. She abused me when I was a child and she married her husband 72 M who groomed me and sexually assaulted me when I was 18. We have a 48 year age difference. And yes she knew it was happening. Her explanation for the whole thing was “he just confused you with me” or “he’s a man he’s just oversexed”

I stopped living with them 4 years ago because I couldn’t take the abuse anymore. I live with PTSD and BPD now and I’m on 8 different medications.

Despite this, I have been going to her house since last summer. And since then she has been trying to get home healthcare services. But it has fallen through everytime. Either nobody showed up, or somebody did and told her her situation is too extreme. So she’s asking for my help instead. Cleaning around the house, mowing the lawn, changing her clothes, and there was a point in time where I was expected to change her diapers as well. She does that on her own now. Luckily I have a best friend who’s a man and he has gone with me too to help my mom out of the kindness of his heart. I can’t imagine going there alone.

Her husband is there too. And I have to interact with him every-time I come over. This is extremely distressing for me, but the meds help. He is completely useless. The only thing he does is feed her, and she says she’s still hungry everyday because he doesn’t put in a lot of effort. The house is a mess, apparently he can’t do anything because he has arthritis.

She lays in her own urine and shit all day, everyday. She hasn’t taken a shower in over a year. I’m worried that she’s going to develop some kind of infection. Her hair is really long and it’s completely matted and she even asked me to fix it for her. Not sure how I’m supposed to do that. I have tried calling Adult Protective Services twice now. The first time they said that they aren’t going to do an investigation. No reason was given. The second time they straight up ghosted me and never showed up to her house.

I feel helpless in this situation. I want to help her, but at the same time I know that I am harming my mental health. I failed all of my classes last semester because of this whole situation.

She’s been calling and texting me for the past month to come to her house again. I don’t know what to do. I told her she needs to go to a nursing home, and she is completely opposed to that. She would rather live in shit with her abusive husband who should be in a nursing home too!!! She is extremely emotionally unstable and she starts screaming at me as soon as I bring up going to the nursing home. She told me to stop berating her and go to hell.

All of my family is in Russia. I have nobody else here. And she doesn’t either.

I don’t know what to do. I just need help and advice.