I don’t understand I just want a normal relationship

Context: got out a 5 yr abusive relationship then into a 6 month situationship lol. 21 F bisexual What is this called? I so deeply crave a healthy loving safe and secure monogamous relationship but the people I usually fall for are unavailable. Like girls who have boyfriends but tell me they really want me but I know they won’t, men who are kinda known to be “whores” just very emotionally unavailable men who I beg for bare minimum treatment. Whenever someone who I’m interested in is also interested back I just feel so overwhelmed and scared and like I overthink everything I say and do and feel like I just shouldn’t even try because I’m scared to disappoint them so I just kind of want to not even start because I feel like I don’t have anything to offer. But with like unavailable people who I beg for attention from I’m like giving my heart on an open platter and am a complete open book. Like when my situationship guy was emotionally unavailable towards me I was so open and honest and ready to just be there but like when he started to show up and meet my energy I got really scared. He was an avoidant attachment (he said this and my therapist lol). Right now I’m just dating people to go on fun dates or keep it at just a hook up I’m obviously being honest with people I’m seeing that my heart is broken and I don’t want to be committed but what the f is wrong with me 😭