So, I( 19 )hit a new low tonight

I just googled how many pills it would take to OD. This is the first time that I’ve ever actually taken this step in thinking about doing you know what; it’s usually just me envisioning myself going into the bathroom and doing it. My dad nearly reared back and hit me tonight, almost went ballistic on my brother to the point that I screamed because the last time he did that, he beat my brother with his arms crossed over his head and against a wall for so long and so hard that I was threatening to call 911. He proceeded to dump everyone’s emotional baggage and shit on my brother, basically saying that it was his fault. My brother hasn’t been doing his schoolwork and is being threatened with being sent off, but I still don’t think that gives my dad the right to act like a psycho, although he would love to disagree. To make it worse, I texted my mom, BEGGING her to let us come live with her( I am 19, but they love to point that out and ask why I haven’t moved out yet when they’ve helicoptered me my entire life because of my disability. I don’t have a job nor a car and we live on a hill with coyotes in the area. )so that my brother would have something to do besides be on his game( because my mom agrees that he’s depressed until it inconveniences her; he’s literally cried to my dad before, which he’s never done before, and hasn’t been the same since he got in trouble )and we wouldn’t have to deal with it as bad. He could get his work done and everything would be okay, right?

Well, no. She lives in Tennessee with her new boyfriend and is basically living the life of a college girl, playing pool and going to parties, but fuck knows she left her kids with a man that she called abusive as soon as she could and now only cares about them when everything’s okay and she doesn’t have to actually be a mother; oh, the horror of abandoning her new lifestyle. She sent our entire texting conversation to my already-fucking-pissed dad because she apparently couldn’t handle the truth that she doesn’t give enough of a shit to reply to me and instead uses what I say to start an argument with my dad. Then, eureka, she finally answers a phone call. It’s my dad and of course they’re all cordial and basically agree that their kids should suck their dicks and say thank you. I came in my bedroom after my dad went to sleep and listened to music for awhile before searching for the answer to that question and I’m still wondering what exactly we have in the cabinet at the moment.

I literally have no one and nothing that isn’t connected to my parents, who really don’t give a shit about me in the grand scheme of things, and am really only still here because I’m too scared to not be and for my brother because he’s still gonna have to live with one of them if anything ever happens and won’t have anyone here to stop them from taking the ‘ discipline ‘ too far and/or saying things out of pocket that just make him feel worse about himself once again. This has been going on for years and I’m quite frankly fucking sick of it, but guess how much of a shit my mom gives?