My story of escaping anti psychotics, and healing my soul.

Now first and foremost I take responsibility and do not completely blame psychiatry, I wasn't communicating properly to doctors and I use to be a compulsive liar, so in there defence they were very confused(I'd never go back tho, I just find its better to let go of hate and move on). I'm a drug addict in recovery, when I was 19 I smoked a synthetic cannabis called spice, I had a bad trip that triggered a manic episode. After this I was a wreck, typical experience being over sexual, acting wild, driving fast, doing lots of drugs, getting fired from job after job. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist, they didnt know what was wrong, they gave me Prozac. This triggered a worse manic episode and they thought i was bipolar and put me on a drug called Zyprexa, a anti psychotic.

This was a bandage sedating my heavily, it seemed to help at the time, but side effects would come causing a worse hell then I could of fathomed. At 21 I felt very horrible and impusively I downed my zyprexa taking a large overdose, I become heavily sedated, something feels horribly wrong, I realize my mistake and scream "NOOOO!!!!!" at the top of my lungs realizing what is coming next, everything turns black. I wakeup in the ICU, nurses everywhere running around, my family looking at me in horror with a tube down my throat breathing for me, I rip this tube out in a confused panic and start punching nurses trying to hold me down. Pure horror, I cannot catch my breathe, later i figure out I had respitory failure. Everything goes black again, I wake up a few days later I see a nurse standing over me, she has the face of a ex girlfriend of mine. They pull my catheter out, my mom hugs me. They all leave the room, I look around, everything is bright and new, the mix of horror and beauty that I was still alive put me in a state of awe.

Fast forward to last year 26 years old, at this point I had developed side effects like severe agitation making every moment hell, Akathisia making me move around nonstop in a suicidal and homicidal state and I got very little sleep, I no longer brushed my teeth, bathed, I was truly dead inside. I met a brave psychiatrist who realized what no others did, that this medication was not helping, all other doctors told me if i got off it i'd go crazy or be in jail, they were very wrong. She pushed me to get off it, which I have tried many times before and failed due to the withdrawal, I've gotten off heroin and other drugs, they are very hard to get off of but anti-psychotic withdrawal is truly the hardest, it was my biggest addiction, to feel nothing and to hide from everything. 1 week into withdrawal akathisia goes away, I am so grateful for this, I never believed in god before but that day I dropped to my knees and thanked a god I didn't even believe in. During the withdrawal I had a hallucination, I saw a child enter my room, it was me, he told me to follow him, he brought me to my kitchen, I saw my parents when they were still together before the divorce cooking together. suddenly I was brought back to a distant memory that I was aware of, but never dealt with and never processed, I repressed it instead.

It was back when I was 5, I was in the hospital due to a mystery illness, I was so sick I couldn't move, they gave me spinal taps, They had just told my mom I might die and they were contacting hospice, my mom enters the room and I was crying broken asking for her help, she loses her mind and starts attacking nurses, I realize that me dying hurt my mom, at this point and most of my life I choose not to feel and repress myself so no one else will feel my pain again, this was a big mistake. My dad was still traveling to see me from his job in another state, I lay in that room dying alone with only a nurse there to watch me. I sit on the bed and I hug myself as a child and say "I'm sorry." and I cry for myself for once, and show myself love. I wake up from this hallucination and a rush of memories flash before my eyes, all the horror and pain and bad things I've done are shown before me, and in each moment I cry, love and heal every memory.

The next 2 months of withdrawal are constant anxiety attacks, me falling apart to the point of insanity, but each time I fall to my knees and pray, and god heals my soul, and each time I grow and change, suddenly I stop lying, i stop thinking of suicide, i stop thinking of hurting people. Everything has changed, I went from thinking of death and murder nonstop, to intense emotions but peace.

I go to meetings everyday, I've been clean for 2 months, I work everyday to heal myself and slowly but surely I am becoming human again, that medication was destroying me, repression was destroying me, the future now looks bright, I have goals and dreams, i am full of love and hate in every moment, as a human should be. I do not expect a easy life from here on out, but I pray for the strength to overcome a hard life. Never give up guys, life is horrible, but it is also beautiful. Goodluck. (The withdrawal is mostly gone now and I feel more stable then I ever have.)