Does anyone else have a father who is kind to everyone except your mom?

My dad is the kind of person who would do anything for anyone. He dedicated his career to helping vulnerable kids. He served on boards and committees that helped build schools in low income neighbourhoods. He is a loving dad to me and my brother and a doting grandfather. Anyone who knows him would tell you what a kind, compassionate and principled person he is. He is the type of guy who would drop everything at a moment’s notice and drive several hours to help a friend or family member in need. He treats everyone this way.

Everyone except my mom. He treats my mom like absolute garbage. He has never physically harmed her but he is verbally and emotionally abusive to her in almost every single interaction. A question as innocuous as “what do you want for dinner?” is met with anger or mocking cruelty. He has been like this for their entire relationship. My mom is so strong but I see the way it takes a toll on her.

It’s especially evident when I visit for the holidays. All day, every day he is running around, dropping off gifts, visiting friends for drinks, helping people put up their Christmas lights, and so on, while he doesn’t lift a finger at home and my mom is left to do absolutely everything (I help her of course but I don’t live here so I can only do so much).

My mom is in therapy but she won’t leave. I’m always just so confused and upset about this. How can he treat everyone else so well and be so abusive to his wife who does everything for him?

Does anyone else have a father like this? How do you reconcile the kind and loving father, grandfather and friend, with the abusive husband?