my dad hates me

and i hate him so much too.

hes a bad person overall and a bad father too.

he's done so many things and apparently he's abusive🤷🏽‍♀️. i didn't realize it because i've been living this way since i was born, i only knew when i was talking with my therapist and she said 'i thought you were just neglected i didn't know u were being abused too' and that's when it hit me.

one of the things that affects me a lot among other things he does is how obsessed he is with my weight. if i say it from when it began when i was a child it'll get too long.

a year or so ago i started starving myself to lose weight, i wouldn't eat for days and all my family knew it they just didn't care that much except my dad.

he would encourage me and tell me to continue starving (he has massive body issues and has an eating disorder.).

i remember when he told me to lose 10kg and he'd give me approximately 10thousand dollars. i was devastated. i was what, 14? i wasn't even overweight at the time. all i could think about was how my dad hates me to the point he's willing to give that much money just to make me lose weight.

i stopped starving myself when i reached my goal weight and guess what he said? if u lose 5 more kg i'll give u more money. man i was so miserable. i'm not really proud of it but i gained 5kgs since then and just an hour ago he was walking behind me and told me to watch my weight cus i started gaining it back, looking all serious and strict.

what have i done to deserve this? if my own dad can't love me or how i look, how could anyone else do, let alone myself.