I need help *trigger warning*

Hi guys I don’t really know where to start and my head is a mess following a big nervous breakdown so I’m sorry if this is jumbled and long.

The bottom line is I just cannot cope anymore, my own mind feels like a prison, I cannot escape my ptsd ever. When I’m at home I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack at any second, at the drop of a penny I will just shake, cry, hyperventilate and go into complete fight/flight mode. I can’t sleep properly, constantly I am randomly waking up with palpitations or chest pain. At work I feel extremely anxious despite there being no reason. I am struggling so much in my social and intimate relationships. I just don’t know what to do I feel like I’m at a loss.

I endured a whole childhood from birth to teenager of emotional, domestic, narcissistic, physical, sexual and child neglect abuse. I literally feel like a check box for almost every type of trauma, I have all 12 aces and I have honestly lost any bit of hope I had in living a normal life.

Noise. Noise triggers are taking over my nervous system entirely, I’m always waiting for the next noise trigger that I honestly constantly have chest pain, high heart rate, and feel either dizzy or sick.

I am not at physical risk anymore although in my childhood it literally was a case of life and death. My dad committed suicide some 7 years ago now so the main perpetrator is no longer a risk to me but my mind and nervous system have yet to learn this… I can’t afford to move out yet, I don’t have very much support as my partner can’t deal with me talking about any of this to him, my friends I have become distant with, and the last time I went to therapy I was suicidal for 2 weeks straight as it was just far too much for me mentally.

My mind and body are so exhausted I just can’t keep living like this, I can’t do it. I have been offered amitriptyline but I’m too scared to take it in case it makes me feel worse somehow- and I have tried ssri meds more than 10 times