I HATE god
god clearly isn't listening, or at least doing anything to fix it, so I figured I'd let it out here. I realized that I fucking hate god. For a large part of my life I have devoutly and whole heartedly served god, and god has done way less than the minimum for me. I have been through so much shit, and not because of my own sin. Don't you dare pull that shit. I have been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as well as stalked by my parents when I wanted to escape them. Christians have not been very supportive about this and never stopped my parents even if they were very active members in the church and one of the adults told me later that they knew something was wrong. christians have actively encouraged me to keep in contact with them so I can get abused more while THEY THEMSELVES can't put up with the slightest shit and have kind parents. SADISTS. I have been homeless. I will be forced to move this year for literally the 20th time. Literally. I counted. People suck, especially landlords. (And god made those terrible people.) I'm now working for my second church and neither of them have paid me properly. The first one let me go (after more than a year of working way too hard for them and dealing with the controlling, demeaning, asshole, worthless pastor who never thanked me once) because the music "wasn't excellent enough" to grow their church. She smiled about it. Before they hired me, they had no music director for a long time because they hadn't found anyone "good enough." Now that I'm not there, they still haven't found anyone "excellent enough to grow their church" and now just have no music director. While working there the "christians" (aka. same assholes as everyone else, just with added arrogance) would constantly berate me and the music volunteers with opposing criticism. They could never be happy. While one person would complain that everything is too slow and then another would (and this literally happened to me in the service) shout out for everyone to hear that it was too fast. That's not even all the harasment I have received there. And the worst part is, I ONLY took the job in the first place because I though god wanted me to. This is one of many times when god as intentionally FUCKED ME OVER for serving his stupid ass. And now I feel like shit all the time at this new job because god set me up in a position where I would WORK MY ASS OF and do something painfully vulnerable just to be told I'm worthless and treated like absolute garbage. god created me and now enjoys watching me be degraded. It's very rare for non-christians to tell me I'm not good at music. That's a christian thing. That's who YOU ALL ARE. I don't want to serve god just to be treated like shit.
This is absolutely not a complete list of the shit that is and has gone on in my life. It's a small, small portion of it.
If god is supposed to be our "father," he does a terribly shitty job with this. Does a good father let you be homeless? Force you to move 20 times? Let you be physically, sexually, and emotionally abused as well as being stalked? Tell you to be nice to other "christians" while they enable your abusers and degrade you themselves? Does a good father make you serve him? Does a good father set you up to be emotionally tortured? Does a good father provide someone in your life who you really feel loved by for the first time, let them die before you had enough time with them, and then allow "christians" to tell you to your face in "his" name, that they think that person went to hell because they weren't "saved"? Read a passage about how you have to die to live like a fucking seed. Would a good father suggest that? Would a good father tell you to die for him? Like, excuse me? Shouldn't a good father do things to give you an awesome life WITHOUT ASKING ANYTHING IN RETURN? If god is supposed to be the best father, he should have already blessed me immensely without me asking. But the second best thing he could do is admit he deserves my hate and bless me a whole bunch right now. I'll give him five minutes to pay me back. Admit it, if you weren't abused as a child, your actual parents have been better to you than god has been to me. god is not a good father. god has ripped me off by not giving me good earthy parents and conditions, because going to "heaven" is not a reward. "heaven" with a "god" who's so obsessed with suffering would be hell.
I've served god too fucking long, and I don't want to anymore, but god fucking OWES ME NOW and better pay up. I want to be paid directly by god for all the hard work I have been tricked into being underpaid for by his selfish assholes.
For every time anyone comments to be grateful, or any variation not using that word, I will tell god I hate him at least ten times. You can go ahead and delete this post. I'll just make sure to post it elsewhere and tell god to go kill himself each time it's deleted.