We should hire a necromancer to reanimate Johnny Unitas to be GM.
I know he hates the Irsay’s or whatever but just hear me out. We’ve tried everything to get this team back on track—drafting mid to ass defensive ends, paying people who haven’t done shit a bunch of money… A new logo. Yet, our beloved squad is still struggling to reclaim past glory. Now is the time for a bold, beyond-the-grave solution: hiring a necromancer to resurrect the late, Johnny U and put him in charge.
My arguments are as follows:
Access to Incorporeal Insights Unitas once had the game clock in the palm of his hand, and that was back when he had mortality slowing him down. Imagine the possibilities now that he’s not tied to earthly concerns like paying rent, Christmas shopping, whackin it to thicc latinas, or having to take a shit. By bridging the gap between living and… let’s say “post-living,” we can harness the power of the beelzebub himself to draw up plays no living coach could dream of.
Undying Commitment You can’t question the passion of a man who literally clawed his way back from the afterlife to be your GM. He’s got no side gigs—no endorsements or NIL if that’s a thing for GMs. Because he doesn’t need to sleep or check emails, he could literally just spend all day watching film. If he’s “dead set” on winning, you know he means it.
Fresh Motivational Tactics A spectral pep talk from a fuckin zombie? Terrifying to some—sure. But have you considered how compelling it might be to watch him hover menacingly two feet off the ground, and with the voice of a thousand souls screaming in agony from the depths of hell, tell players, “Win… or join me.” That’s the kind of motivation that’s guaran-fuckin-teed to get the best out of this bitch ass team. After all, “We can rest in peace in the offseason” takes on a whole new meaning when your GM isn’t just using a figure of speech.
An Imposing Presence Referees will absolutely think twice before flagging a team whose GM is on a first name basis with Lucifer. Opposing quarterbacks? They’ll shit themselves at the thought of throwing a TD—maybe even intentionally fumbling post-snap if they catch a glimpse of his cheekless face. Sometimes, intimidation is 90% of the battle.
By summoning the necromancer’s powers, we can reanimate the man who brought glory to the Shoe, who once guided us to Super Bowls. This is how we can resurrect this one great franchise. Let’s seize the opportunity to unleash the might of the afterlife upon the league, because sometimes, the best Hail Mary pass is the one that comes from the hereafter.
Thank you for your time.