Does anyone else appear completely healthy to those around you while you're struggling on the inside?

Idk if my title makes sense. For some reason I just woke up one day and decided I'd be back on my bullshit, after 4 years of AN and 3 years of BED. Everyone around me is congratulating me for being healthy, working out, eating well, etc. and for the most part, I am doing everything right. I'm losing at a healthy rate, I'm not physically hungry all the time, and I eat at least 1300 calories a day. I'm losing weight how you're "supposed to" I guess, for the first time ever.

The MENTAL STRUGGLE. Oh my god. I am having every single disordered thought I've ever had x10. I weigh myself constantly. I am always looking for material online to trigger me. I am obsessed with tracking my exercise and calories. I refuse to eat things I cannot track. I'm flip flopping back and forth between healthy and disordered thoughts all the time, I've even began to enjoy the feeling of being hungry again which I have not felt in over 5 years when I was at my worst in terms of my anorexia (now BED).

What's worse is that because I've gained 40 lbs people view this as me being on a weightloss journey. I know for a fact if I weighed significantly less than I do right now, people who know my history would know this is a slippery slope. No one cares because I'm on the heavier side of normal and I can stand to lose a few.

I talk very openly about how fat and disgusting I've become, how I'm trying to lose weight, I will deny people offering me food because I tell them it's way too many calories for me. I openly DGAF about talking like this because I know no one is gonna do anything about it, and I'm so tired of being in my body as it stands. To everyone else I'm just "on a diet" or losing weight but on the inside I feel I'm getting to the same place I was mentally at the height of my restriction, even though I'm not even restricting (in my opinion).

Please tell me I'm not the only one 🥲 I feel like a fraud remaining on this sub because physically I do not have an ED anymore, but mentally I feel like I still do. Does that even make sense??? Anyways...