I’m the fattest girl my boyfriend has dated

Please don’t read if you are sensitive to self-deprecation, relapse, and talk about weight.

This is purely meant to vent and get it off my chest.

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and things have been wonderful. We call and text every day, and we share a lot of common interests. He’s been incredible at boosting my confidence, calling me beautiful and gorgeous without even knowing my insecurities. Even though I struggle to accept compliments about my appearance, he praises me with such sincerity that it makes me want to believe him.

Everything was going smoothly until I decided to open Pandora’s box and look up his exes. They are both extremely beautiful— tall, thin, with tans that are sun kissed and golden. Even though they are no longer involved in his life, all I can think about is how I’m the complete opposite of his type. I’m short, chubby, and covered in moles.

I’ve struggled with my body image for years. I’ve been in recovery since high school, going from an underweight bmi to a bmi that’s on the heavier end of the healthy range. I was finally starting to make peace with my progress until I saw them. I feel those 4 years of progress slipping down the drain. I haven’t eaten anything in the past few days and I’m falling into old habits. I just feel so ugly. My fat distribution is awful, nothing stores in the “right places”, and I’ve got a noticeable tummy pooch. Nothing like his borderline-th1nspo exes with toned flat stomachs and thigh gaps.

In the few months we’ve dated, I’ve tried to hide my lingering insecurities during intimacy. He says that there’s nothing to be ashamed of and that he wants to see me. I want to believe him, but I’m terrified of him thinking I’m disgusting.

I’m terrified that I don’t compare to the girls he has had in his life.

I can’t approach him to talk about it without dropping this bombshell of information. I don’t know what to do. Worst part? I brought this entirely onto myself.