My husband: Not the man I married.

My husband (31m) has been a gambling addict/compulsive gambler for 3 years now. Its been a rough road. Our daughter was born several months before he spiraled out of control. I think the pressure and combinatin of Covid, having a new baby and him being home all of the time really ignited this dumpster fire of a situatuion. It took me probably 6 months to figure out what was going on and that he had spent and lost our entire $20k+ savings. I freaked out, we fought A LOT, but I love him and know he felt awful about it so I vowed to do whatever I could to help.

Fast forward to now. To be honest, I am utterly exhausted. I've turned into someone I don't like, and so has he. I'm the cynical, bitchy wife I never wanted to be. By nature he's very sweet and loving, but his actions otherwise are that of a person I would never trust and never would have married. He's lost every ounce of integrity he once had, and I hardly recognize him anymore. We don't have fun anymore, and if we do it's because I planned the entire event myself. He would be perfectly content never interacting with anyone in his life and just being lost in his phone on Stake.

When not at work, he's standing in the bathroom leaned over the counter completely lost in his phone. If he's not gambling, he's doing stuff (online surveys, selling belongings, et..) to aquire money for gambling. Gambling is his driving force for nearly every action.

I think my biggest issue with all of this is the constant and relentless lying. My God, I don't think he is even capable of honesty anymore. Although I do see and feel that he is very remorseful for his behavior, it has begun to mean absolutely nothing to me anymore. I always know he will break a promise, I always know when he is lying, and I always expect the worst from him. This has cause such a dramatic decline in the way I view him and respect him, and it completely shatters my heart.

I definitely worry about the future because I know I can't live like this forever. I feel like I have 2 toddlers to clean up after. My husband no longer cares about cleanliness in our home. He's become a totally inconsiderate slob. He notices nothing outside of his phone. He's said he would do marriage counseling but refuses any type of treatment for the gambling because he actually believes (or just refuses to admit to himself) that he doesn't have a real problem. I'm considering the marriage counseling though because MAYBE if he hears from a professional that he needs help he might consider it.

I'm not really looking for any advice with this post. I think i just needed to say these things and for at least one other human to hear them. So, thank you to anyone that took the time to read.