So jealous I could scream

I’m not usually a jealous person and have generally handled 1.5 years of infertility while watching and supporting other people get pregnant and have babies “well.” But I think I’m hitting my breaking point. Just found out my SIL who has a 1 yo they got pregnant with super early in trying is pregnant again, right as I’m going into my second IVF cycle after a disappointing first one. I co-thew her baby shower with a big smile on but also so sad for me and now I get to see it all happen again for them while I’m in the hell of infertility. I knew this would happen, that they’d get pregnant again so fast and easily, and I absolutely hate that I’m right.

I’m losing my mind. I know logically they did nothing wrong and it has nothing to do with me but I’m just so devastated at how unfair it is and how much it hurts. I’m supposed to see them next week for Thanksgiving and I want nothing more than to be so far away, to be forgotten, and left off the Snapchats of their growing family. I’m always the one that swallows the sadness and smiles and shows up for them and others and I just can’t do that now. I’m so devastated. My husband is sad too and is very supportive of whatever I need and I think my in laws will understand too. I’m just so tired of being the disappointed one, the devastated one, and so jealous that they get to celebrate even more good news. screams