Life is full of surprises i guess

I (34M) have been married to my wife (35F) for 6 years, and we have two children aged 3 and 4. From the beginning, she was incredibly attached to me, always very intimate and caring. Around last spring, I noticed a shift in her behavior—there was much less intimacy, fewer compliments, and she seemed more distant. I talked to her about it, and she mentioned that she was overwhelmed with the stress of taking care of the toddlers, feeling left out, and my upcoming migration abroad for work. She also said that I had been dismissive of her concerns, and that I was set on my goal without taking her cries for help seriously. She expressed feeling alone, with no outside help from family or friends, and said she had closed herself off emotionally. While I did think she was exaggerating, I was considerate of her feelings and made it clear that I was concerned. I never dismissed her. In September, when I visited them, everything seemed great—apart from the lack of sexual intimacy, but I offered to try anything to close the distance between us. I even suggested we move abroad together, but she said she was overwhelmed and would adjust. I reassured her that we would make it work.

Fast forward to last week, during the Christmas holidays. Everything seemed fine again, the kids were happy, and I was spending time with them. However, I noticed some changes in her behavior. She was being secretive with her phone, which was completely out of character. After some internal debate, I decided to check her phone. I found a message from a man that said, “What are you up to?” and a response from her saying, “I can only trust you,” followed by him replying, “My love.” At that moment, everything in my world collapsed. I continued to scroll and found more incriminating evidence, but I couldn’t bring myself to continue at that point. I confronted her quietly, as family was present. She froze and didn’t know how to respond. She claimed she was overwhelmed and that it was just texting, saying, “I’m sure you get texts from women, too,” and that it was just a chat. When I asked her multiple times to show me the rest of the messages, she refused, saying, “I don’t want things to get that petty between us.”

Afterward, I dropped them off at the airport, kissed the kids goodbye, and she tried to hug and kiss me, but I turned away and left. Since then, she has messaged me sparingly. I’ve told her to only contact me about the kids or any financial matters. She keeps insisting that it’s impossible for us not to work things out, but I have not been moved. I’ve spoken briefly with my children, but that’s the extent of our communication.

The night before all of this unfolded, I sat down with her and tried to make things clear. I admitted that I may have been dismissive of her concerns, and I expressed my gratitude for everything she was doing for our family. I acknowledged that I should have made it clearer that I wasn’t indifferent, but rather very concerned for her well-being. I explained that I didn’t have many concrete solutions to offer, but I had always been supportive. I also acknowledged that being the sole parent of two young children while I worked abroad for the next 1.5 years would be difficult, but I reassured her that I was 110% committed to making it work. I asked if she felt the same, and she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Of course I am.”

I have a feeling that she will again refuse to provide full information, which is extremely incriminating. If she does, I will take it as confirmation that my decision is sound. I feel like she doesn’t fully understand the gravity of her actions and is still trying to downplay the situation. My gut feeling tells me this was a full-blown affair for months, and the fact that she’s not coming clean is infuriating. I am only seeing separation as the way out, even though my initial reaction was to look for any saving grace. But unfortunately, I see none. I’ve been considering separation, but it’s difficult to think about the impact on our children, and I don’t want to make decisions while I’m still emotionally raw. I wake up with palpitations every night, and I’ve been struggling with my appetite. Thankfully, my job has been demanding, so it helps keep my mind occupied.

I even offered to quit my current position and return to them if that would ease her pressure, but she insisted that I should continue my work. In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t act on that offer. I had also planned to visit them in January for my son’s birthday, but I’ve decided to cancel my trip because I’m not in a good place emotionally, and being around her would only cause me more harm. She doesn’t know that I’ve canceled my flights.

I’m planning to reach out to her before she leaves for her sister’s New Year’s holiday. I’ll let her know that I’m willing to listen to her when I’m ready, but I expect full disclosure of the affair, including a timeline and any messages (even the deleted ones, which I believe can be retrieved). I’m not interested in hearing any excuses because there are none. I feel strongly that the way forward is divorce, but it infuriates and depresses me to think that so many people—especially my kids—will be affected by her actions. The whole situation still feels surreal to me.

If anyone has suggestions or thinks I’m handling things wrong, please feel free to comment. I’ve been trying to handle this on my own and not involve anyone else (like grandparents), as I don’t want things to spiral out of control. However, I know it’s inevitable that our families will find out soon.

Update : First-off Happy New Year everyone!

Last night, we finally had a long and overdue conversation. She took responsibility for her actions, admitting there was no excuse, but she denied it was a full-blown affair, claiming it was only texting between them for the past three months. When I asked for full clarity and to see the messages, she refused, saying it would be petty and unhelpful, but she acknowledged that knowing the complete truth is crucial for me to even consider moving forward. She said she would “consider it”, which makes me adopt the worse case scenario as I have explained to her.

She expressed regret, saying the texting meant nothing to her, and that she wants to mend things with me and will do “anything.” However, she believes the only path forward is for the kids and her to join me abroad for the next two years.

The discussion brought some valuable self-reflection. We identified long-standing communication issues on both sides, and I acknowledged moments where I had been dismissive of her concerns. However, these revelations came too late, and I feel confident that separation is the only way forward, despite the immense difficulty. I told her the kids are not a reason to stay together, and she agreed.

Though the conversation was painful, I feel a sense of relief—like a weight has been lifted. I feel I can begin to move forward and get on with my life. I’m also looking forward to seeing my son for his birthday soon, now that I’m in a better state.