Anyone with a spouse on the spectrum?

I’ve (35F) been with my husband (37M) nearly 18yrs and married for 10 of those (with a 1yr separation in the middle) and I’ve long suspected he may be autistic, albeit mildly if that makes sense. My reasons are thus: 1) He needs structure. He becomes anxious and frustrated when there isn’t a clear timetable or set activities laid out for him. This goes for free time as well as work. I have to talk him through our plans for the weekend and if we don’t have any, it’s like he can’t relax and becomes very irritable. 2) He is obsessed with minor details and actively shuns the big stuff. For example he will get himself into a meltdown over his hair and outfit, but will be chilled out about, let’s say moving house, because he just doesn’t think about it. But if I move his shoes, it’s the end of the world. However, he is quite chaotic so it’s not a tidiness thing. 3) He struggles with empathy and seeing things from another’s perspective. Not like opinions, but for example his dad text yesterday to say his gran was in hospital after illness and a fall (shes 92 and it doesn’t look good). His dad wrote “call me when you can”. I asked my husband when he sent that and he said “oh when I was at work” and this was about 4hrs later. He couldn’t understand that it meant “call me as soon as you get a moment” and was just really chill about calling him after dinner. He just didn’t sense the urgency. He also doesn’t really see when I’m upset and thinks that I’m just taking things out on him. Like, he only sees what’s happening in front of him rather than the why. 4) his reactions to something changing or just being annoyed are very disproportionate to the event. And he is easily triggered. He shouts a lot and throws things, won’t let people talk etc. He can’t get past the red mist, but it will be for something quite small. 5) He’s very socially awkward and over thinks impending social situations. He can handle himself during the situation, but the run up can be unbearable. 6) physically he can be quite child like and isn’t very adept at intimacy. Again he’s very anxious and doesn’t even initiate. 7) he shuns responsibility and decision making, so I’m the decision maker by default. He won’t even decide what we’re having for dinner. We will discuss things as a couple and he will give me his opinion, but he always stops short of making a decision. 8) multitasking. He simply cannot. He can’t have a conversation and do a task at the same time. He can only focus on one thing and unravels when he has to divide his attention in the most basic ways. (Eg, were both wfh today and I was just loading the dishwasher and asked what kind of plate/cutlery he needed for lunch so I can make sure there’s something for him to use as it’s lunchtime here in the uk. He’s typing so he got angry at me and just grunted something incoherent. All he needed to say was “small plate and a knife” or whatever he needs. Instead he just couldn’t pause for literally 1 second. He’s not working to a time constraint or doing anything that requires undivided concentration. He just can’t handle thinking about something else for a split second).

There’s plenty more but I cant work out if he is this way due to childhood trauma (parents divorced, mother was sick and then died when he was 17, dad didn’t really step up), or if he could be on the spectrum. His meltdowns are easily triggered and our daughter (7) is definitely affected by them. Although he will kick a wall or throw something, I’ve never for a second been worried that he will hurt us.

He’s tried counselling for anxiety, but never sticks with it. He is a very intelligent person with a great job, friends and functions completely normally in society. Most of this takes place behind closed doors. That’s why I want to look down this avenue. Opinions gladly accepted.

Edit: sorry I wrote this quickly between meetings. Just to state that I understand ASD is a very complex and non-linear thing that’s different with each individual, so I get that it’s not a quick answer. I just want to explore this idea as if it is the case then I can figure out the best way to support him. I’m exhausted from dealing with him behaviour my entire adult life (I was 17 when we started dating) and it’s adversely affecting our daughter.