Fuck it I guess

I'm so tired. I trying and trying to keep myself positive, and alive, but if there is a line, I'm close to it. I want to end this all. Peacefully go into a bodyless, mindless existence. It's so fucking hard. I hate seeing this stupid ugly body, hate this fucking face, hate I was born at all. I'm afraid of dying but it seems like the only way cuz it seems that this never going to end. I'm so done with it and I don't even understand why I'm still struggling, what's the point? Do I ever feel fine? I don't think so, most certainly not as long as I have this fucking body. I'm a coward to kill myself, so I just took as many pills as I can, maybe they’ll work maybe not, hopefully they will. I'm so sorry that I'm doing this to my family but it's just too hard. That's so painful and fucking lonely. I'm glad I tried, it made me happier than I ever was, but I want to die so the pain will stop.

Upd: to those who are concerned, I'm fine so far and reached to helplines. It gets messed up cuz I don't want a hospitalization but that's what they want to do. So calling them was a mistake, now it's even more things to take care of, just a cherry on top. However, thank you for being here and supporting