I was abusive and ruined my relationship

I'm so upset to have to even type this. I did not experience pmdd for about 2 months. I forgot I even had it. On my birthday, I felt sufden rage and sadness overtake mt body. I didn't realise it was my pmdd until it was all too late.

I didnt communicate with my boyfriend why I was silent and upset, crying, leaving the car and sitting outside in the night. I didn't speak, just cried. Angry and slamming doors.

He kept asking what's wrong. I didn't reply. I only shouted I don't know, and kept sobbing and sobbing. At one point he said im not staying with you if you're going to be like this and left me. I cried more and more. Not over him, just for nothing.

He came back. It got to a point where I was making myself be sick, hitting my head, shoving him, slapping his phone out of his hand, shouting, bawling my eyes out.

I've never been physically abusive with him. I kept going even when he said don't touch me or ill hit you back, I shoved him again. I wanted him to punch me. And I kept crying.

The next morning he screamed in my ear and swore at me and threw me onto the bed because he was so so angry at me. He called me a bitch and disgusting. He mocked the way I was crying, kept telling me to stfu.

I'm so devastated. We've communicated since, we're both disgusted in our own behaviour. But I feel like we can't come back from the violence. I'm so ashamed and angry. Why can't I regulate. How do I notice it's happening. Is it even possible to be in a relationship?

I didn't start on anti depressants because the pmdd was not frequent and I felt it wasn't worth it. I hate myself. I hate my cptsd.

I don't know what to do.