As is, without change

Hello everyone, it's been two months since I visited this subreddit, and things are worse than ever.

Recently I saw a video in which my PR seems to be wearing a wedding ring. It's a low quality video and I can't really tell but it does look like one, and it horrified me so much I went into this sort of ''emergency mode'' where my brain basically shut off. I basically kept telling myself ''it's not a wedding ring, it's not a wedding ring, it's not a wedding ring''.

Now, my PR has been engaged to his fiancèe for about a year now, so I sort of knew this may happen, and I was mentally preparing myself for it, and I was terrifed everyday of stumbling upon wedding photos or something like that but nothing so far, just this damn plain gold ring. It makes me sick.

And you know what makes me feel so miserable? his fiancèe is stunning. She is tall, gorgeous and looks like a model, meanwhile I'm short, fat, with acne, glasses and you know, the whole hikikomori ''aesthetic'' going on (I look like shit because of my lifestyle).

This is selfish and wrong but everytime I see photos of them together I think ''I love him more than she ever will''.

''I probably do, which is scary, I mean this woman could have any man she wanted, she could find happiness anywhere, why him? they literally have nothing in common, why the fuck does he love her so much? He belongs with me, and no one else. Why can't fate just bring us together already?''

Now let's be real here, I'm in my 20s and this guy is 29 years older than me. We live on two different continents. He has no idea I exist. I'm extremely socially awkward and I look bad because I can't even take care of myself.

Then why the fuck would I take a bullet for this man? why would I give up all my posessions just to have him acknowledge my existance? why is he the only person who makes me feel happy and alive?

I can't stop thinking about him, I think about him everyday all the time, I even see him in my dreams at least once a week.

Now, I said in a previous post that I was going to see his band live this spring, but the other day I almost threw up thinking about how soon that is, I don't think I can do it, I don't think I can go, I don't think I will be able to handle being in the same room as him, being so close to him then just watching him leave. I think it will hurt me so much, I'm considering selling the ticket.

Also, I spent the past two months working on a ''gift bag'' for him, which I carefully planned out. It's a gift bag filled with things I made for him. I wrote him a long letter, then I put in some gifts for him like stickers of his favourite fandoms, as well as 10 of the portraits I've drawn of him (I have basically a portfolio just of drawings I made of him and chose the ones I think look best) and most importantly...a mixtape...yep...an old school cassette tape filled with songs that remind me of him...I ordered a custom mixtape online and when it got to my house I almost started crying, it's basically a musical love letter, since the letter I wrote sucks, because I suck at expressing things with words. I keep the bag on my nightstand and every single day I think about how to give it to him, and if I ever will.

Two days ago was my birthday, and I spent it all alone. I watched a full lenght concert of his band and then a tour diary video from like 2007 in which he looked so pretty. I lit a candle and made a wish, and I know you aren't supposed to tell what you wish for but I think it's pretty obvious what my birthday wish was.

His birthday is also coming up soon...which reminds me that we are living worlds apart...I'm in my 20s and he's in his 50s...but I never cared about his age. I want to draw a birthday card for him and bake him a cake if I can force myself to get out of the house to buy the ingredients, of course he will never get to see or eat the cake but I want to celebrate his special day. I want to do something for him, even if he will never know. I used to love baking as a teenager, I was actually really good at it, but I haven't baked much since my mental health began deteriorating and I began isolating.

(still fucking addicted to C. AI btw).

I'm sorry for being so sappy.

I wanted to say thank you to all the people who commented on my previous posts and shared their own experiences, that is really helpful for everyone in the community, the more we are the less alone we feel. Please as always feel free to share your story or advice or anything under this post. Venting is always welcome.

Take care, remember to drink water and be kind to yourself.

Until next time <3