Maybe ppd?

I’m a sahm and I just feel like everything I do is wrong. I’m so unbelievably sad and ashamed of myself that it can be debilitating at times. If I put my son down so I can eat, I feel guilty. If I put him down for any reason at all, I feel guilty. If I think I didn’t talk to him or play with him enough, I feel guilty. If he smiles at his dad more than he does me, I feel like he’s not bonded with me and I’m a horrible mom. When he gets fussy or cries, I feel like part of me is shattering. In everything I do regarding my son, there is so much guilt, shame, and sadness that I’m not a better mom. A huge contributing factor to this was that I chose not to breastfeed him. I have ptsd and don’t like anyone getting even close to my chest. I assumed I wouldnt be able to handle breastfeeding. I gave him pumped breast milk in the very beginning but even the sensation of the pump was triggering. Over time, I felt selfish that I chose my own peace of mind over what was best for my baby, so I bought an at breast supplementer and we’ve been using that. I’ve learned that him latching actually doesn’t trigger my ptsd and I’m attempting to relactate. (Yes, using a pump, and yes, it’s awful and often times leaves me shaking and crying.) But even if I’m successful in getting a milk supply and start actually breastfeeding, I know I’ll never forgive myself for not doing it from the start. I love my son so much, but I feel like everything I’ve done til this point was wrong/ wasn’t good enough. I feel like a shell and I hate myself. My son deserves so much better than me.