I feel like I’m drowning.

I have a 10 day old with my husband. I have 3 other children. He adores them. However, our marriage hasn’t always been good, honest, or even full of love. It’s been rough, and a challenge.

He has a dog who stays in the crate in the garage of our home (renting) 24/7.. minus when the dog goes to its section of the backyard. The dog howls and barks CONSTANTLY. We have gotten 2 complaints, and the HOA is fining us for the next complaint, and will require the dog be removed after.

I don’t like the dog. I wish he didn’t have the dog. But he won’t get rid of it. I do not deal with the dog because the dog has attacked my other children, and is very aggressive. That’s why it’s no longer inside the home. He will yell at her constantly to shut up, and when he’s not home, all she does is bark and howl.

I feel alone because he has only ever changed one diaper, and sleeps through our son’s cries. I had a traumatic c-section. One where I severely hemorrhaged for 2 days following and required multiple transfusions. I have been at home by myself all day taking care of the baby, doing laundry, cleaning, taking care of other children. When he gets home from work, I clean up after him, and am up all night with the baby. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night since our son has been born. Husband sleeps right through his cries and is not much help at all.

I just went almost 3 days without eating, and don’t have much money left in my savings. I went to order food so I can eat, and he told me to get him something. Surely I didn’t have to, but I did. Well, half way through me trying to eat, the baby woke up and needed my milk. So, here I am at the table, juggling a BF baby, a toddler stealing my food, and a husband who is now more worried about the dog.

I ate half my meal. Then I tried putting toddler to sleep while double-checking chores are done.

He went to bed. I’m at the point where I think I want to leave. I feel alone. I feel so much hate for how my body looks right now. (I was in great shape prior to this pregnancy.) I have no support- no family, no friends. No me time. I hate my husband now, I’m repulsed by him. I’ve cried every day since our son was born.