Regret
Honestly, I have never seen so mentally exhausted in my life before. I cant be doing things for everyone and carrying their asses while they slack off and do nothing, its getting really annoying.
For context, I went to a coding competition and I was placed in a team that had my schoolmates. My teammates are fucking idiots I'm not gonna lie. They dont do shit for the competition, they are always late on arrival which could potentially get my team disqualified, and at the last minute they tell me that they can't come for specific dates due to tuition or whatever. They act like they actually contribute when they do nothing or close to nothing. They don't read instructions that are given out by the hosts. And even when I have conspicuously layed out the details of what to do, what to bring etc for the competition, right after my comment they asked for the details or whatever. For example, I sent a message that the arrival date is at 1, pinned the message and a few hours after that, they asked whats the reporting time, fucking ridiculous. During the competition, I was deciphering how the robot that was given to us work, and my teammates were just fucking around like doing random shit instead of focusing on the task in front of us. In the end, we, I mean, I got 3rd place in the end, winning $1000 and only losing to HCI.
Unfortunately for me, the prize money was divided into 5, and I have no control over it. The problem with this is that they didnt even fucking redeem the prize, which makes me even angrier since I spent so much time on this coding shit, so $600 gone just like that (theres a deadline to redeem). I dont even get why they would sign up for a competition if they arent even willing to put in effort and arent going to take any prize at the end of the day. What the actual fuck
I wasted so much time during my jc years. I wasted my entire jc1 doing pw to the point that I didnt even study for promos, just to get a shitty grade and a comment from my form teacher that I'm doing everything wrong. Honestly, I really regret going to YIJC (the school itself is fine but the people there are…) and not studying in the slightest for Os, but that was more of because I was heavily affected by my past. Because if I was in a more "elite" sch, i would likely receive better and more competent teammates and I don't have to deal with all this shit. Not only that, I believe that I would actually be so much happier there. For context, I went to Pre U Sem and met a number of students from all different kinds of institutions and we did a lot of work together, stayed up late at 12 am to do a project together, have so much fun fucking around when the times are appropriate. It was the first time I actually felt pleasure in a school environment, well if you consider Pre U Sem a school event. I actually enjoyed those 4 days of Pre U, a lot more than my entire 2 years of YI tbh...My friends there told me that this is just a small fraction of the fun they had in their own high sch. Like we took turns to share about our fun experiences in high sch and when it was my turn, I couldnt even answer the fucking question because there was nothing enjoyable about the school tbh. Its also even worse that on instagram, my friends 'elite' schs are going out so much and having fun like going for karaoke, bowling etc and yet getting the grade A (for PW, they deserved it but imo my sch is just rigged, yes im still salty over it), it makes me so jealous and upset since I realized how much I'm missing out. Sometimes, I even take MCs to skip school because going there is just a waste of time tbh. It takes about 20 minutes just for the Physics cohort to shut up and get ready for lectures, and we often get reprimanded by the teachers or the teachers just dont care at this point which is understandable. But I want to learn. If this is going to be a common occurrence on a daily basis I rather just not go to school.
I dont learn or develop myself since it's less likely that I get placed in a group where people are better than me and I can learn from them, you know. Maybe I just keep getting unlucky by getting all these fucking idiots in my group all the time. Man, all of this honestly affected me even till now, I was so demotivated and burnt out in general. For the A levels, I definitely didn't give my 100% since I was constantly lying on bed envisioning how fun my life would be if I was in a better JC ngl. For pw, I did give my 100% but after that shitty grade and remark from my teacher, I just stopped trying for my subjects and now I'm heavily regretting the fact that I could actually have done better. I mean I did study but not as much as ideally (not the tryhard type). Other students were doing 10 hours a day sometimes but I only did like 5-6 tys practices at most (no prelims or whatever), for the whole preparation of A levels, I still managed to calculate/estimate a good A grade for these objective subjects (science and math) so I guess that's good? For the subjective subjects, no way to tell but I have a strong feeling that I really could have done better, but the demotivation that I had completely overwhelmed me, affecting my true performance of A levels. So here I am, a completely broken figure of myself. I kind of cry in regret from time to time, post A levels wise, envying how much fun and enjoyment my friends from “better” jcs are having the life while I'm just here suffering in this shithole.
The only positive of YI that I can think of is that some of the teachers there are goated, they are passionate about the subjects that they teach and are willing to put in the extra mile to elevate you, although the chances of getting that teacher is like a 50/50. But other than that, its just a generally depressing school environment filled with people who just cant be arsed in their studies. My teacher even used chatgpt to create questions when I asked for extra practice (like screenshot it and send it to me on WhatsApp)...Its just better to tell me that you don't have the resources as of now. Some of my teachers there are even telling us about the stark contrast of school culture, saying that back in their time at 'elite' schools, the students there have so much fun compared to us which I honestly agree. Just dont fucking go to YI istg, its just not worth your time nor your effort if you want to aim high. The statement that its just your effort that matters, and not the school, is only partially true, because in group settings its way harder to do well. My friends from elite schools and even my fucking brother (he now respects and supports me, we made up) are saying that its such a shame that I'm being held back by a shitty environment and would have thrived if I came to their school instead, in other words, a waste of potential. I was happy that I finally graduated from YI not because I have an amazing time there, but because I am no longer associated with this school.
I don't fucking know anymore. I just want to be happy and live a life.