Riding the waves of emotion

Hit in the face with another wave of grieve.

Lost the kids. Lost the house. Lost the animals. Lost the routine. And most especially, lost the marriage.

Trudging forward through the steps to divorce, separation a necessity that must be experienced.

Mediation completed today. Full financial disclosure in the works to calculate child and spousal support and begin the division of assets through lawyers.

I asked for coffee and cards and the opportunity to keep a path open to another outcome. "I would not of my free will look to spend anytime with you." Exactly what I needed to hear. Now I can challenge my thoughts that arise with the hard truth.

So, the emotions come and I ride the waves.

Today, it was a big swell. I couldn't get up on the board to catch it, it tumbled me around and left me gasping in its wake.

Now to be honest with myself. "Remember the feeling of someone that is curious and caring." That isn't something I can find in so many years past with the person who's divorcing me. "Remember to make friends and be yourself." The controlling, obsessive behaviour that I acquiesced to at the beginning of the partnership has damaged my ability to navigate friendships into my life. I'm free to reframe that and breathe the freedom of being me. There isn't anyone to say no anymore.

I miss the potential, but potential isn't the reality and there's always the potential you're blinding yourself to. I miss the connection, but it's been gone for awhile and isn't coming back. I miss the comfort, but there was so much more discomfort in-between.

It's easy to focus on the losses and the misses and the what ifs and just maybes. It's not as easy to focus on the hard realities that challenge a person to grow into a richer life that lies ahead. That's the rewarding work.

Time to focus on the gains. Time to recite the freedoms. Time to build the new opportunities. Time to open up to the future and those potentials I've been blind to.

It's time to get up on that board and ride a wave of joy as it comes my way.

For all my fellow people treading water, gasping for breath as you're pummeled with the weight of emotion. I got you. We got this. You've got great things coming.

This whole experience is so hard, because it needs to sharpen your edges and give you the edge to cut through the crap of your life and help you break through to a better tomorrow; the one you believed you weren't worthy of. You are worthy.