My name is Renée (31/F) & I’m addicted to video games…

Hello friends. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I’m addicted to gaming. It’s a hard thing for me to admit due to childhood trauma over such a similar issue. When I was a kid, my mom was addicted to computer gaming on websites like POGO. She would spend all her waking hours on these games, talking to strangers on the internet, and all the rest of her time was spent sleeping. She was deeply depressed and carried a lot of trauma I did not understand. Her addiction led her to be absent and neglectful as a parent, and when I was a kid, I deeply resented her for it. I was so angry with her. Because of this trauma, I very adamantly stayed away from gaming of any kind. Many guys I’ve dated over the years have been into gaming, and I would become extremely triggered when they would spend time gaming as opposed to spending time with me. One in particular definitely had a gaming addiction, and I would express my concerns to him, but it never made any real impact or influence over his behavior.

The great irony in all of this is, I took up gaming during the pandemic as a coping mechanism to deal with my boredom and depression. My current partner has a PS4 & PS5, so gaming was an accessible skill for me to pick up and learn. He plays in moderation and I was actually entertained watching him play GTA, Battlefield, COD, etc. He’s very good, and I thought it was actually kind of sexy watching him own people, LOL. It made me want to learn how to play so I could play with him and give us something to do. I ended up getting really hooked on COD MW1, and then later COD MW2. I wasn’t very good at the start, but after the first 6-12 months of playing MW1, I became decently good at it. Shortly after that, I was frequently topping the scoreboards in my skill-based matches. That’s when the addiction REALLY started setting in - when I started leading the scoreboards. It felt especially satisfying as a female gamer. I got really high on that feeling of being that good, and I just wanted to keep playing more and more. Eventually I noticed I was spending longer hours gaming while neglecting other areas of or relationships in my life. I started to feel like I “didn’t have time” to do things, which is preposterous when I take into account the amount of hours I spent gaming. I also started to notice at some point I stopped playing for the pure pleasure and enjoyment, and I would play even if I wasn’t having fun or the game session was making me feel like sh-t for a prolonged period. Like I would just keep playing to chase the hope of getting that high, but never achieving it.

I’ve noticed I have been accumulating so many wishes of other skills I’d like to learn (like playing guitar or singing lessons) or personal goals I’d like to work on, but the gaming ends up winning every time. I’ve struggled to find effective ways to manage my boredom. The ongoing dry spell for new TV shows isn’t really helping either - I support the strikes, and I think what’s happening right now is important, but it doesn’t feel like there is an alternative entertainment to gaming to help break up the cycle. Like, sure, I can pick up a book, but it would be nice to have something new to watch on TV to turn my brain off to. In terms of learning new skills, I know logically that if I took the time I spent gaming and put that time into learning a skill, I would eventually become good at [insert skill here] and actually feel satisfaction from it.

Anyway, I’d like to get myself to a place where I can enjoy gaming while not wasting my entire life on it. I already have deep regrets that f-ck with me about gaming instead of spending time with my dad the last time I saw him (b/c he unexpectedly passed away a few months later). One thing that’s made it hard to quit gaming is that I inherited my dad’s PS5 after he died. I started playing even more heavily after his death to cope with my depression and the loud f-cking silence of losing my best friend in the whole world. Also, since it was his PS5, the idea of selling it/letting go of it makes me ill to think about. Grief is weird.

I recently hit rank 600 on COD MW2 (and then kept going a little further), and with MW3 on its way to the masses, I reflected & thought maybe this is the time to take a break before I become addicted to the new game. I unplugged the PS5 and put it in its box, thinking maybe if I can just make it 3-6 months without gaming, maybe then I can re-assess myself. It’s only been a couple of days so far, and it’s been so hard not to plug it back in. It’s like I’m convinced that if I can’t play, there is nothing else to do, and I get bored and want to sleep all day. I wish I knew how to manage my boredom.

Thanks for reading.