Crying myself to sleep everynight and can't take it anymore

NSFW just to make sure. I'm not even sure what I'm going to write while writing this. I just want to vent Into The void since I have no one to talk to.

I am so scared of The future that I can't anymore. I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared that I'm going to have only bad friends and a bad relationship. Currently I'm worrying about things I can't talk to anyone, because they are so private about my boyfriend and I. I can't talk about them to my boyfriend either, because he has so much going on that I don't want to bother him anymore than I already do.

I have an OCD, it has made my life so unnecessarily hard since I was a child that I can't take it anymore either. Specially now that I have so many more things I'm worried about. I just don't have energy to be scared anymore. Because of OCD I'm in my early twenties and I have completed only elementary school. I'm currently studying, and it's okay I guess, but my energy levels are not looking good. I have been on a sick leave many times before. I feel like a completed failure. And The worst part is that I have failed The little me who was so abitious about future career. I'm so sorry little me.

My boyfriend is in a army right now. He has been there for almost a year. I have cried myself to sleep The entire time, because I'm so worried about The future. It feels like I don't even know him yet since we see each other so rarely. I don't get most things I need from a relationship right now, and I'm hoping from The bottom of my heart that it's going to change in few months (he comes back soon).

How can I survive The few months? This sound so pathetic, but because of my OCD I have always been worried about future things, and I can't think about anything else. I feel like giving up, and not with him but with myself. I feel like failure, because I can't fuckin just wait. I have never been able to let problems be If I can't solve then right now. I ruminate until they somehow get solved.

I'm starting to daydream of not waking up. It would be so relieving to just leave everything. No one NEEDS me, I can just go. The only reason I don't just jump from my balcony is pain and The possibility to just injure myself so that I can't live a "normal" life anymore.