i'm not sure what i'm feeling

okay so first of all i'd like to apologize because i'm not really extremely suicidal or anything, i supposedly have anxiety and depression, i was taking meds, after a while i stopped because i felt way better and i hate meds. ever since i was a kid i'd have existential crisis, i was "smart" and always thought i was weird because i was always overthinking everything. about a year ago i started feeling more and more unwell, im not sure if it was because i had already been a shut in for a year, but the last year my mom had to get a job, which meant i was alone most of the time, at first it didn't bother me much, i would cook and try to work out and that kind of stuff im usually ashamed of doing in front of others. the issue is that i slowly began feeling more and more unwell, i started sleeping really late overthinking, telling myself i was going insane, i cut myself for the first time on july of this year, i would also get suicidal thoughts and just think "i wish i wasn't so scared of death", i kept doing it for about two months until my mom told me to stop, but after that it feels like it went down hill, my anxiety spiked and i've been in the er 2 times in less than a month, my thoughts are extremely overwhelming, if i'm not distracted i start feeling scared, thinking how much better id feel if i killer myself, wanting to cut again, im so tired, physically and mentally that it makes me think ill die soon, and it makes me scared, but at the same time it's like i want it. im not sure how to explain, but im just scared, i feel like ill never get better, like ill be like this until i die, and i don't want that.