I just feel normal now

I had top surgery yesterday, and havent seen my chest yet because of the ace bandages and styrofoam (I had liposuction alongside a double incision). But I can tell I'm flat. I just feel relieved. But I don't feel totally overfilled with joy. It just feels like this is my normal state of being. I think with my chest I would just ignore it, or see it as a seperate part of me. It was my way of coping. The days leading up to top surgery I had less dysphoria than I've ever had with my chest because in my eyes they were already gone.

Those who've dealt with extreme dysphoria with their chest, I see you.

I hear a lot about gender euphoria, and I unfortunately don't think I've ever necessarily felt that. I feel like everything I do is to combat awful dysphoria, and I wouldn't say I feel joy, but I do feel at peace. And that's enough.

I'm so glad I got top surgery. I've been binding my chest since before I even knew what "binding" meant. I'd take the bottom band of a sports bra and put it over the middle of my chest to make my shirt lay flat. When I walked I held my shirt out as to not feel my shirt conform to my figure. I only felt comfortable in a few select shirts that helped hide or conceal my chest. I'd lay in bed depressed back in middle school because I couldn't stand people looking at me. I've been wearing binders for 7 years. (Unfortunately at the beginning for 24 hours at a time -- don't do that.) The suffering is over!

I think once I heal more and get my bandages off it'll hit me more. Waking up and seeing a flat chest will make life easier. Top surgery is a quality of life improvement.