I'm dying and not telling anyone I know.

I'll jump right to it, no drama no feeling bad for myself and no excuses but I'm dying, it's my fault, and I won't tell anyone.

The background

A bit over a month ago I accidentally cut my thumb horribly while working on my Warhammer models, I'm a cool 45 m right!? I went to the ER, got stitches and did all my follow up appointments. I got an infection in my thumb about a week after the initial cut despite doing this. The problem is when I cut my thumb I also cut the bone. I've been on antibiotics oral and intravenous and was released from the hospital yesterday after a one week stay with a mid line, it's like a picc line but shorter. Sadly though, the infection went to my heart. It's there, it's bad, it's deadly. I was told to get my final affairs in order. Once my situation is dire I'll be added to the heart transplant list, I would accept one, but it's not far from certain I would get one. I have about a 40 percent chance to survive.

Off my chest part

I haven't told any loved ones, not my family, not my friends, not even the priest that stopped by my room. Only my nurses, Drs, and woman that cleaned my room know. Everyone suggested I tell my friends and loved ones but I won't. I want to look at them and see their standard joy. I want them to treat me the same. I love so many people in my life and I know they love me and that's why I can't tell them. My final moments with them should be happy. Save the tears for later.

I can't in good conscience answer, "how are you doing?" everytime I see anyone without being morbid about it eventually. I'm going out in a selfish, pigheaded, whisper. It's not how I lived, but it's how I'll die. I'll miss so much about life, it's been a truly beautiful, magical journey and I'm glad as I sit here and cry while typing this that I've loved and been loved and knowing despite it ending feeling so much gratitude for having lived my life.

Please kiss and hug your loved ones, and pets. Reach out to your friends and tell them you love and appreciate them. Forgive someone that has hurt you and let it go. We're is too fragile and a cut to your thumb in November might kill you in March.