I hate my mother for giving birth to me.

I hate my mother for giving birth to me. I wish she had just aborted me instead of bringing me into this world only to leave when I was four. She killed herself and left me alone with my abusive father. She never loved me, not the way she loved my half-sister. She was doing crack while she was pregnant with me, and now I have to deal with the consequences.

My family tries to sugarcoat it, saying she didn’t really kill herself, that it was “health reasons.” But those health reasons were the result of her previous attempts. They can lie to themselves all they want, but I know the truth.

I envy my half-sister. She got to know our mom. She got to be raised by her, to have real memories of her, to feel loved by her. On top of that, she has a father who actually cares about her, a father who’s still in her life. Meanwhile, I was stuck with an asshole for 11 years.

I’m 18 now, and I don’t know how much longer I want to be here. My grandmother gained custody of me when I was 11, and she’s the only reason I’m still holding on. She already lost her daughter to suicide, I don’t want to put her through that again. But when she’s gone I honestly don’t know if I’ll have a reason to stay. She’s literally the only person in my life.