Had to put down my dog….

My dog, Chi-Chi Buttons, is a German shepherd who lived longer than we thought he would. I have had him since I was 2, and we grew up together. He was like my brother. I watched my dad, a dog trainer, train him for Schutzhund. He won a bunch of medals for the sport, and is the best protection dog anyone could ever want. He was a security dog with my dad for a bit even.

I remember when we got him, and when we were naming him I was looking at my dad's laptop keyboard. "Buttons". And my dad taught me that dogs respond well to "Ch-" noises when training, so "Chi-Chi". I can remember sitting on the floor at the duplex just me and my dad lived at, small tent pitched in the living room. The room was not really big enough, but I would sit in the tent with Chi-Chi and watch the movie Spirit. We only had the Hebrew translated version though.

Whenever I got sad, I would go to Chi-Chi. My dad was not big on emotion, and taught me not to cry. [I am grateful for that, he taught me good independence. I know it causes trauma but don't judge that in the comments]

In 5th grade, my dad got brain cancer. My stepmom had just beaten breast cancer so as a child I thought we would just move on and everything would be fine. 7th grade, he died from the cancer. I won't get into that in this post though. Out of my entire family, I loved my dad the most by a long shot, and when he was gone, my dog was the only remaining thing I had of him.

We ended up moving houses a couple years later, not being able to afford where we were. It's a small rental house, so Chi didn't have as much space to run around. But at that point he was blind from cataracts and too old to need to run around.

My stepmom didn't like having him as a responsibility, and would constantly talk to me about putting him down. She would specify how he was not our dog anymore, he was my dog. My responsibility. I took care of him, played with him, sat with him so he wouldn't be scared. But with his blindness he started to loose it a little bit. He would freak out in the middle of the night and not be able to see.... I fought for him to stay and to live, I protected him the best I could.

But I was at school, and I got a call from my mom. Chi had cut himself in his kennel, and freaked out more than ever before. My stepmom had gotten him to the ER vet, and the vets sedated him so he was calm... but we had to put him down.

I knew deep down it would be best for him, that he was in pain, but he was the last one I have... I miss him so much already. My entire being wants my dad, and I can't have him. Next, I just want Chi-Chi.. he is the only one who can make me feel better.... I miss him

Thank you for reading the whole thing, I know it's long. I just needed to vent.. has anyone else dealt with something like this? I was lonely before but now it feels crippling..