Don't get caught!!

Yes, I was careless. I arrived home after the family on an evening I was supposed to be spending on the couch enjoying some "me time". Yes, I was enjoying me time ..... just 6 miles away in my lovers bed. 4 days before Christmas.

Oh fuck. I'm a crap liar, and had a (possibly subconscious?) desire just to come clean. Thinking that he'd accept that this was an acceptable outcome from a 10 yr DB. And I mean completely DB - as in we've been celibate for a decade. So I fessed up to where I'd been and with who.

Nope he didn't accept it.

There were tears, recriminations, the DB got blamed on me cheating last time - so it is my fault. He threatened to tell my parents, that I was a narcissist. I should give him the family home and leave my child with him. I was the lowest of the low. He wanted my lover's telephone number so he could tell him what he thought of him. [Although thankfully, he wasn't going to go around and flatten him, thank god, although it is totally feasible].

The evening wore on, and he got more irrational. He was scared my lover would turn up at our house, and put our child at risk. We had to move house to another town. I'd risked our child by risking his father's health, as he was suicidal. We spent the night in separate beds.

It was a grade A fucking mess.

When I refused to fold and made it clear that a split was possible, and that I wouldn't leave our child, and would expect 50/50 custody and half the equity in the house, things changed. By the followng day he had done a 180 and is in fix-it mode. He decided to be the bigger man, and deal with the mess. He was equally to blame and would change for the better. He accepted the lack of intimacy had killed the relationship for me. Everything was possible.

Oh fuck .... I'm not sure what's worse!

Now I'm back on a short leash, and having mediocre sex with a man I no longer feel passionate about. Mourning the loss of my love. And realising that by putting my child first that I've just sacrificed a great love affair. I'm annoyed at my hubby for somehow being able to switch sex back on just like that. Like, WTF?!! How can you not desire me for 10 years, and now find me irresistible? Instant erection the second we cuddle. Bloody hell.

My head is a mess. All for getting careless. I don't know what the future holds, just that I'm putting one foot in front of the other for the next few weeks, while we hold the charade together for the sake our our child...