I feel violated whenever by boyfriend tries to be intimate with me..

Problem/Goal: Why do I feel violated whenever my boyfriend tries to be intimate with me? Naguguilty ako pero I can't fight the feeling talaga. Sinusubukan ko naman pero lately talagang pag nag i-initiate sya, pag hahawakan nya ko, feeling ko talaga na viviolate ako... kaya madalas ako tumanggi, sinasabi ko wala ako sa mood ganon. Ano ba dapat kong gawin para bumalik yung spark?

Context: 11 years na kami ngayon, pero last year we had a rough year and nagbreak kami around February last year, I met someone and naging ka situationship ko yung guy na yun for 5 months. We had sex a couple of times (he's my 2nd body count) and okay naman. I can say na nagkaroon ako ng feelings dun sa guy pero I ended things when I found out na may gf pala sya. After I ended things with that guy, nag reach out yung bf ko now sakin to patch things up and I somehow felt the need to fix things with him kase sayang naman, ang tagal na namin. I honestly felt na it was the right thing to do, to choose him and choose us instead of settling the relationship na walang label, kabit pa ako. Pero yun nga, after we got back together, napansin ko sa sarili ko na wala na ako sobrang gana to do intimate things with him.. di ko rin talaga alam bakit ganon?

Previous Attempts: Sinubukan ko naman, pag nag i-initiate sya, tinatry ko, pinagbibigyan ko sya. Pero last week, sobrang kulit nya, and deep inside ayoko talaga, sinabi ko na nga na wala ako sa mood pero he tried again after a few mins and I finally gave in. After namin mag do, parang I felt raped and violated. I told him na next time sana wag ganon, pag ayaw ko, wag nya ako pilitin. Di sya nag sorry, pero he said "Sige." pero kahapon lang ganon nanaman, sobrang ayoko kaya I stood my ground and I told him NO pero parang nagtampo sya, natulog nalang sya and tinalikuran nya ako.