I struggle to learn what I need to learn.

Ever since I was a kid it feels like I learned a lot of trivia about the things that interest me, but could never really retain information from school all that well.

I struggle to read a textbook or online course now, it's so easy for my eyes to gloss over and for me to just give up after failing to take in a few sentences. I have good college qualifications but I can't for the life of me remember anything I learned there because it honestly just felt like I was only remembering it till the assessments were in and graded, only for the info to quickly be discarded when it wasn't needed.

I'm expected to learn some of it again in a network security course so that I can get back into work, but my lack of progress is frustrating me and making me feel awful. I swear it's gotten worse, but that's likely a byproduct of no longer being in a school environment for a few years.

I'm left feeling simultaneously functional enough to live, but not able to learn. It's giving me massive imposter syndrome, and I judge myself for not being able to keep baseline focus on anything academic anymore.

Times, Dates, Meetings, Appointments. All of these keep flowing around and I just don't care enough to follow them anymore. I'm being expected to progress when I simply can't and every time I have to explain it I am worried I am disappointing. My life has devolved into doom scrolling or learning lore as it feels like everything is crumbling around me.

I'm scared to ask for the help of councilor, because I have never had one before and my previous stepdad was constantly saying I was just using my AuDHD as an excuse to be lazy, despite having 3 previous jobs I burned out on.

I can't get the idea that I am just too lazy out of my head.