Today my grief looks like…

I have the pleasure of being sick with COVID on the week I’m supposed to return to work after 4 months and all I can think about on a beautiful, sunny day is the face of my sunny, beautiful daughter.

Except her cute little 2-month-old face when I held her when she passed on Christmas Day. Isabella was so round and chunky, I was so proud of how she was making it to 9 pounds and finally we were looking at 0-3 month onesies she could fit in. She was tinier than most babies because of T18, but boy was she perfect. When I was holding her, there were no hospital wires, no beeping sounds, we were free to just be. Except she was gone.

I don’t know why I think it’s weird, but I finally shaved my legs today. Clearly pregnancy legs are a sight to behold when we can’t reach down there. I don’t know why but my daughter’s legs had so much little tiny hair on them too. It sorta reminded me of her. I didn’t care, I went on bereavement vacation to bask in the ocean and my legs were hairy. I don’t know if shaving my legs is part of my grief, like shedding a layer of my old self, but this little thing felt so BIG for me today. Has that happened to you?

I can’t believe so many of us have to walk around this earth and function like we don’t have a huge hole in our heart. This is a forever experience, FOREVER.

Whether we’re someone with other living children, it still hurts. Whether it was our only child, it still hurts.

EDIT: I know I said I can’t believe up there, as a form of expression, but truly guys, I’ve come to accept this is how we have to navigate the world. It comes with accepting I will be myself, but different, and the best way to describe it is like a being a faucet with the water leaking, so anything and anytime….I can and will cry.

Cry because I have to press forward without her physically, at times feels so paralyzing.

But—I will not give up. I will continue to pray for strength. I am doing my best to live for her in my heart. I want my daughter to be proud of her momma. I do. One foot in front of the other.