Am I actually FA?
21 Bisexual F Context: got out a 5 yr abusive relationship then into a 6 month situationship lol. Both ended. ————————————————————————— I taken multiple quizzes and got FA I so deeply crave a healthy loving safe and secure monogamous relationship but the people I usually fall for are unavailable. Like girls who have boyfriends but tell me they really want me but I know they won’t, men who are kinda known to be “whores” just very emotionally unavailable men who I beg for bare minimum treatment. But those are the people I actually like and open up to and am super vulnerable and loving with and hope they’ll change. Whenever someone who I’m interested in is also interested back I just feel so overwhelmed and scared and like I overthink everything I say and do and feel like I just shouldn’t even try because I’m scared to disappoint them like I’m not good enough so I just kind of want to not even try because I feel like I don’t have anything to offer. But with like unavailable people who I beg for attention from I’m like giving my heart on an open platter and am a complete open book. Like when my situationship guy was emotionally unavailable towards me I was so open and honest and ready to just be there but like when he started to meet my energy I got really scared he would get bored of me or leave. He was an avoidant attachment (he said this and my therapist lol not sure which). I keep telling myself maybe I’m not FA and I just haven’t met/fell for the right people lol. Right now I’m just dating people to go on fun dates or keep it at just a hook up I’m obviously being honest with people I’m seeing that my heart is broken and I don’t want to be committed but what the f is wrong with me 😭
My body physically cringes when I found out recently a friend has a crush on me my inner thoughts were like I need to not let it go anywhere because they’re too good for me and I just feel like I’ll mess something up even in friendships I just feel like when people have expectations of me I just want to not exist like I have high expectations for myself already lol