My boy passed away and I’m devastated

My beautiful boy passed away on the 4th of January, 20 days later and I’m still nowhere near processing it.

He was a 13 year old cat and was quite healthy. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism somewhere last year, but it was found quickly and he reacted very well to the treatments and he stabilised quickly.

I have been raising him since he was only a few weeks old, he was a rescue (abandoned nest) and we were entrusted to take care of him. As a young boy (12), I fed him with a bottle. He has been with me ever since. He really was MY cat. I fed him, groomed him, gave him all his medicine, took him to the vet,… you name it. He was my first pet that was fully ‘mine’. I have had other cats and pets that I absolutely adored, but the bond between us was unique.

I love him dearly. He was my shadow, I couldn’t go anywhere in the house without him being near me or following me. Every night we would cuddle while watching tv, he’d sit on my lap while I was working for school or gaming, he slept on my chest or against me every night. He and my girlfriend also created an incredible bond, which just fills my heart with joy.

In December, he’d come down with a fever and the medicine wasn’t working as well as it usually did. We went to the vet again and he tested positive for FIV. The vet told us that this was bad news and that it would one day be fatal, but that day might be years from now. No way of knowing and no way of knowing how long he’d already had it (we’re guessing around 9 months). Instead of years, it ended up being three weeks. After two good weeks where he was strong again and eating well and being himself again, his fever came back and he didn’t make it. We had to euthanise him on the 4th after a very horrible night. He wasn’t in pain, but he was very uncomfortable. The vet told us that due to the shape he was in, there was nothing left to do except keep him on some sort of life support and that would only give us an extra week, and not a good one at that. That wasn’t even a real option imo.

His passing has absolutely broken me, unlike any pet or family member in the past. My grandmother passed last year, a woman I loved with all my being and yet this has cut me deeper. The day of, I had my last Christmas dinner with my brothers and sisters and their partners (none of us live together anymore). I said farewell to Stripes in the morning and in the afternoon I was eating and playing games. Everyone had a lot of sympathy of course, but I kept myself strong if you will and put on a ‘mask’. At the end of the night, when everyone had gone home and my gf and I went to bed, I had a panic attack. The first one in my life. I had two more panic attacks since. I have nightmares almost every night and once, I woke up while crying. I feel lost and alone (even though I’m not) and I feel utterly broken. 20 days later and it still isn’t much better.

The first few days after, I literally hypnotised myself with video games while I was home because if I didn’t have a screen in front of me to shut down my brain, I would start panicking. My gf and I don’t yet live together and when she isn’t here, I postpone going to bed as long I can, because I know he isn’t there to sleep with me.

I’m working again now and my sleep rhythm is better, but emotionally I’m not improving. I haven’t even accepted his passing yet. It went too quickly, I was naive maybe, but I didn’t believe I was anywhere near the point where I had to say goodbye. The moment I finally understood that we had reached that point, was the last time we went to the vet. She told me he didn’t have a fever anymore… which begged the question: “then why isn’t he getting better?” I knew in the back of my mind that the possibility was there, but didn’t believe I would have to make that choice just yet. I decided then and there. I wasn’t prepared for it in the slightest. Naively probably.

I feel so guilty, even though I know I shouldn’t. I am second guessing every decision I’ve ever made pertaining to my little buddy. I’m destroying myself by wondering if there was anyway I could’ve been better, kept him healthier, kept him safer,… He wasn’t just a pet, not just a friend. He was a huge part of my life, of my daily routine,… he was my boy. And I can’t fathom him not being here. I will always love him and miss him wholeheartedly.

Well, I’m sorry for the long text and the depressing tone I wrote it in. I’m moreso so writing this because I find it therapeutic than I am expecting anyone to read this. If you did read it all, thank you!