“Men only want one thing”

In high school, I had my very serious boyfriend from church that I was sure I’d marry and spend my life with. We never so much as kissed. I think he pecked me once when I was 16, and we made out once maybe a year later. We went to different high schools, weren’t allowed to date outside of group dates with church friends, etc. He admitted to me once that he thought I looked “sexy” in a certain outfit and I told him that next time he has a thought like that to picture me in a temple dress.

Meanwhile, I had a non-boyfriend at my school, whom I made out with every morning after seminary (where I saw my boyfriend half an hour prior) before school, between classes, and after school. We never went on a date. I was horny as all hell as a teenager and obviously couldn’t pursue those feelings with my church boyfriend, nor did I even want to. The boy at school didn’t even know I had a boyfriend. I was deeply under the impression that if someone wanted to be physical with me, that meant they saw me as an object and did not care about me. Because men only want one thing. So I had sexuality and relationships in two entirely different boxes in my head. I enjoyed making out with one, assuming he had no real feelings for me, and was in love with the other, with whom I knew I shouldn’t even want to have sex until marriage.

This kept up for almost 3 years. As it turns out, my church boyfriend was “addicted” to pornography and working through it, and I came clean after he found out about my non-boyfriend at school. When we reconnected as adults, my non-boyfriend from school told me he was so in love with me then. He cared about me so much, and I assumed it was purely physical, because how could he love me if “men only want the one thing”? I didn’t even think he liked me as a person, I thought I annoyed him.

I’m glad to say I haven’t cheated since I was 19, but I definitely did not understand that sex and love are supposed to go together, and this understanding of the world carried much further into adulthood. Anyone who wanted to be physical with me, I immediately accepted did not care for me. But I was horny, so fine. I went through many “friends with benefits” in college. Even when I dated people, I was really bummed when they wanted to get physical, because damn, I really thought he liked me until then. And at the same time, I was So! Horny!

Now, sex is a very important part of a loving relationship for me. But it took me a long time to realize it’s healthy to actually desire the person you love. Kinda wish someone had told me that sooner.