Austen couples ranked by a known romance hater
As the title says. There's probably a million posts just like this one but here's my take.
- Anne/frederick wentworth - "THERE COULD HAVE BEEN NO TWO HEARTS SO OPEN, NO TASTES SO SIMILAR, NO FEELINGS SO IN UNISON, NO COUNTENANCES SO BELOVED." 'nuff said. but seriously i love how they're intellectual equals, their temperaments compliment and balance each other, they both have a strong shared sense of justice, honor, and duty - and they even share the same music taste. also, their sex life was probably rockin' (sailors are great with ropes, anne says "when pain is over, the remembrance of it often becomes a pleasure"... just saying). plus, wentworth brings with him a great circle of clever, compassionate friends and family that are all too happy to welcome anne into their midst; IMO one of austen's core themes is the importance of connections. it's not only your lover who can influence you and bring out different sides of you, your friends and family are no less important. compare the crofts and harvilles to the wallflower little sister and evil aunt that elizabeth bennet is now connected with after her marriage. bonus points because the end of the novel highly implies wentworth's next mission after dealing with napoleon is freeing slaves (because 1. to help recover the money owed to mrs. smith from her land 2. he canonically aided the haitian revolution in st. domingo 3. historically the royal navy's west africa and west indies squadrons were tasked with taking down slave ships - jane austen's own brother was one of these officers!), and i want to see anne and frederick be swashbuckling abolitionists together.
- Catherine/henry tilney - insert obligatory "henry tilney supremacy" comment here. these two aren't a great romance for the ages or anything, no passion akin to cleopatra and mark antony will be found here, but they're both sweet and kind and funny and attentive and they like each other a whole lot. what more could you ask for in a romance, really? i have no doubt they'll have a very happy marriage that lasts a very long time.
- Elizabeth/fitzwilliam darcy - my longest deep sigh ever. i'll forever think of these two as "beatrice/benedick from wish;" i find elizabeth's "wit" pretty grating (kinda silly at best, straight up rude at worst - she needs to learn a thing or two from henry tilney, sorry) and frankly the most appealing thing about darcy is by far his income (although even that comes with its pitfalls. i have no clue how elizabeth "we had no governess" bennet will manage grounds like pemberley's, and personally i wouldn't want an estate built partly on slave plantation money anyway...). the only reason they rank 3rd is because the the couples ranked lower than them are even more objectionable.
- Emma/knightley - i'll be honest i read this book and thought emma was a lesbian. but other than that i think they have a great friendship, i'd have preferred it to stay that way because knightley frankly comes across as a stern uncle giving emma (well-deserved) lectures 80% of the time but "if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more" is one of the most moving lines in all of fiction, probably austen at her best and most romantic besides wentworth's "You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others" so they get points for that alone. i can't ever imagine them having children, they'd be chillin together with emma's dad until the end of their days, and good for them i suppose.
- Elinor/edward - like catherine/henry tilney, this pairing too has nothing objectionable about it. unlike catherine/henry tilney, this pairing has nothing particularly compelling about it, either. it's the marriage equivalent of plain, soggy, boiled potatoes without the slightest hint of salt or pepper or condiment or complimentary vegetable. i'd have it if and only if my other option was starving to death; no other situation could induce me to partake.
- Marianne/colonel brandon - i understand that "opposites attract," but to this day i can't see what either of these two saw in the other. the colonel may be characterized as a kind, loving man (even if he did commit war crimes in india) but surely whatever gentleness he extended to marianne was less akin to a man in love and more that of a father to his wayward rebellious daughter? and while i do think the film adaptation was a great improvement to the novel in many ways, even alan rickman's smoulder and kate winslet's loveliness aren't enough to convince me, i'm afraid.
- Fanny/edmund - now you know this pairing must be miserable if i'm ranking it even below the one between the 16 year old girl and 35 year old man. there's nothing i can say about it that hasn't already been said for about 200 years i'm sure, but i'll still end this with: Fanny Price Deserved Better.
