I’m terrified of the meds

I’m honestly not sure what kind of support I’m needing here - but I’m absolutely terrified.

I tried methotrexate but my first injection wound me up in the hospital (though not admitted thankfully) with severe abdominal pain and a fever of 40 degrees. They put me on a titration schedule and I was so scared to take it that I took it once at the lower dose and just couldn’t bring myself to take it again. I’m not sure what it was about methotrexate specifically but I’m honestly just so unwilling to try it further. It gives me massive anxiety.

So then today we looked at other options that are arguably less safe than methotrexate. Mycophenolate. Benlysta.

And honestly I’m not as scared of them as I am the methotrexate for some reason, but I’m still just terrified. All of the drugs are so intense. Have so many risks and complications. Leave you at such a high risk for infections and such. I work as a nurse in ICU/ER so I’m going to be coming across things that are highly infectious. No, I will not change my career. But I have tried looking at places that are less intense and it’s hard to get in.

I guess I’m just wondering if taking the meds are worth it, or if it’s just better to deal with the predictable pain and problems I am already having.

Is it really that dangerous to just not be on anything? The hydroxychloroquine hasn’t been overly helpful. But neither have diet or lifestyle changes.

I’m not that sick on paper in terms of labs and stuff. But some of the symptoms I have are destroying my life. I’m just not sure the meds will change that.

Did your quality of life improve much?

I don’t know. Sorry for the long post.