i feel like i'll never be "normal" again

after a few more er visits i've tried to ignore my physical symptoms, i started to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist, i can't tell if im getting better or it's the meds doing their work. the psychiatrist said he couldn't diagnose me just yet, but he speculated "autism" or "ocd" and idk how to feel tbh, but at the same time im kinda happy that ill finally get diagnosed with something. i've started living life like i did a few months ago, all day in my room, on the internet, but this time im actually feeling eating and sleeping, it just feels weird how my sister is often checking in on me, probably making sure i don't cut myself while im alone or idk which i actually have, i did it as soon as my mom began to leave for work again, but this time it feels different, i don't feel any pain, i don't feel "excited" all i feel afterwards is panic, what if my mom finds out again? im really pathetic, i feel empty and fearful whenever im not distracting myself, and if i have to talk to someone i feel like a robot, spaced out, barely processing what they're saying, but sometimes i feel as if i were normal, laughing, making jokes, it's just that as soon as im alone again i go back to feeling empty and even having existential crises. my psychologist recommended to enroll in some kind of art course, which i can't do because i can barely be 5 minutes inside of a super market before i go silent and tug at my dads shirt so we can go outside, im really pathetic and childish but i can't change for some reason, i just feel frozen in place all of the time, i don't enjoy anything, force myself to draw, play, listen to music just to distract myself. also i have this online friend that i met like 3 months ago, i used to be really talkative around her, i love talking to her but right now i feel unable to say anything, im scared i might seem crazy, one day being really talkative and playing games together and the next i barely text her back, my thoughts about her also go from considering her the best friend in the world to just thinking she's some online friend. i really hate myself, i think, i really can't tell, but one thing for sure is that im tired of being like this.