Navigating gay dating culture as a bisexual man in an open marriage...

I was thinking about posting this in a bisexual subreddit, but I feel more comfortable posting there as people here seem less judgemental here about nonmonagamous relationships and the struggles and potential pitfalls that come with it.

So I came out to my wife as bisexual last year. This was in the worst possible timing as I left the philippines earlier the same year to renew my passport and find work to save up enough money for our future projects down there, and I am still in Sweden to this day.

Our marriage had every reason that year to fail completely, but my wife has been so supportive of me I almost have had tears of joy. I didnt have the chance to explore my sexuality and when I came out to her I even made it clear that I was prepared to bring that to my grave, because obviously my marriage is more important than me "finding myself". I thought she would feel broken if I even dared to ask to open up the marriage, but she ended up being the one suggesting to me. We have had long talks about what kind of connections I am allowed to and should pursue. The stricted rule of all, is that I have to be honest and disclose to her everything I do with these men, which I gladly do and have done, and will continue to do. It is fair to say our marriage has improved alot since then, we dare to talk about stuff we never did before I came out, and we have both become more honest about our feelings. I know some of you will say this in the comments, so I am gonna say it now - she is a gold mine.

With that disclaimer out of the way, let me update you and ask for advice of the latest struggles I have had for a while now. Since I came to Stockholm and began working there I have had a fair taste of the hookup culture, and it has all been sexual encounters only with these men. My wife is okay with this, but we have both talked together and my wife suggests that the best outcome would be for me to either find a friend with benefits or an actual boyfriend, which, based on my experience, seems practically impossible.

The varius guys I met on these dating/hookup platforms (grindr, reddit, even facebook) have in my opinion been like complete man children. Ghosting me at any moment in conversation, even after having agreed on a time and place to meet. Leaving in the middle of the act (those have been the worst). If they could just have behaved a bit more civilized and with human decency, I would have been fine with the occacional hookup, but I feel that everytime I try to arrange something with a hookup I am putting myself at risk - either by wasting time going to a place for someone not to show up, or in worst case, meeting a guy that can overpower me and doesnt respect my boundaries. Sometimes I have felt so broken I have considered stopping pursuing men all together, but then I start having these deep cravings again for male imtimacy, and I begin to think back to the few moments when I had a really good hookup and it felt like heaven.

When I was in the philippines I was able to reduce my cravings alot just by having my wife physically there for me and us living a normal marriage there, but now when I am in Stockholm far away from her I have this deep urge for physical imtimacy. It has become almost like an addiction, like that you experience on tiktok, where you keep scrolling through 100 videos not knowing why you are even doing it and then occasionally find that one video that gives you a good laugh and makes you forget all problems like you were looking for when you went there. It has become a "chase of a dragon" kind of thing.

I know that dating of any gender is a numbers game, and the first strategy people think of and suggest is just plowing through all the rejections and trash until you find the shiny one. The problem for me is, I don't know if I can go through such a strategy without ruining myself as a person in the process, either physically or psychologically.

I have tried dating apps and some gay dating groups on facebook but it has mostly not led to anything at all there. Those men I have met have been extremely short-worded, passive and open but not serious, almost like they are waiting for a prince on a horse riding all the way to them. Paradoxically they have been more passive than even girls I dated in high school.

I have only briefly mentioned it to my wife, but as a result of all these experiences I had, I am in the process of making a decision for myself to take a break from hooking up until I figured out how I should approach it and know what I am doing. I am somewhat aware that hookup apps are the absolutely worst places to look for connection, but my mind is asking, what is the option? Is there any category of physical places one can go to, or are we all confined to these dating apps?