I am scared to death of Christmas.

My entire 30 years of life, something bad has happened every year around Christmas.

As a kid, my mom would usually kick me out of the house in the days coming up to it, then call the police and report me as a runaway. Or she would get stressed and smash my entire room up, breaking toys and other things I cared about.

As a teenager, that got WORSE, she'd cut my clothes into pieces and I'd have to wear the same clothes days at a time until she felt bad and replaced them.

A family member on meth snapped on me and rammed my car in traffic two days before Christmas one year. I locked the doors, he broke the back window out, climbed through, and started hitting me while a crowd of pedestrians watched. My friend (passenger) went to therapy and still has nightmares about that.

I was kidnapped at gunpoint by that same family member the week of Christmas (nobody believed me, everyone thought I had run away because of my "record" of running away).

As an adult I have spent a few Christmases homeless, one year I found my dad deceased, he had been gone for several days and was frozen in his home.

Last Christmas the heat quit working at home and we nearly set the house on fire because the wiring in the walls melted trying to run a space heater.

Every year I get extremely nervous and depressed. I'm terrified. I'm scared to go anywhere, I get anxious when my S/O or kids go anywhere. I watch my dog like a hawk to make sure she never has any chance to get away and get hit or poisoned. I'm waiting for the boss to fire me, my house to burn down, a car crash, random eviction notice, I'm just waiting.

Honestly every year when the Bad Thing happens I'm instantly hit with a twisted form of relief because at least it has HAPPENED. My gf had no idea why I was laughing as our living room filled with smoke and half the outlets in the house quit working last year. I laughed because I knew it was here, it was happening.

I know this is not healthy. Also, I did in fact crash my truck this week but I don't think that's the Bad Thing. It's still out there.