My son admitted to me he has had sex

I posted it in daddit, but maybe that's too heavy for being there. It might be more of a teen problem either, so I don't know, maybe moderation there will take it down. I spent six hours writing it, I just needed to get it out, so maybe anyone here might help.

The title is quite clear, but there is some context. Mind you, I'm doing this post as a chance to vent, rant, or maybe begging for help. I already annoyed everyone close to me with this situation, so I'm a shot in semi-anonymous internet post as a release valve. I just need to get it out.

The title doesn't represent a new revelation tome. I knew it already, the signs were hitting me in the face. Girl who lives the floor below being at my home, without permission, at late hours. I've overheard chatter with his friends, etc. Still, the post is not about knowing about it per se, but the fact it's finally open. Before that, the both of us talked around the subject, I was afraid of it leading to him shelling up, and him, I assume, felt it would upset me.

Can't say he having sex is unexpected, but the way he finally got straightforward to me is definitively a lot to take in. Best to start from the beginning.

Around November of 2023, when he was still 12, he started dating a girl from school. At the time, I freaked out a bit. It's in my nature to do so, yet it wasn't as bad I thought it would be. In my head, this relationship wouldn't last until the end of the month and I'd simply have to give him a hug when it was inevitably over. Yet, I talked to him about his expectations on this dating thing. Bluntly, one of the things he said, as a baby-faced 12 year old, was that he wanted sex and, when I asked him to clarify, he said he wanted it when she felt ready. At the time, it terrified me.

(Sensitive subject - my history as a victim of child sex abuse, read at your own discretion)

People online don't know me personally, so unless you have seen my previous posts through the years and somehow remember by username, I should clarify that I was a teenage father. He's 13, turning 14 this month, meanwhile I'll turn 29 later this year, so yes, he was born when I myself was 14 and at the age is currently in, I was already expecting him to be born. People who meet me in person inevitably find out. Many have opinions about that, whatever they are.

The other part of this story, the one no everyone knows or wants to know, but over the years I have felt more comfortable sharing, for the sake of conscientisation and awareness, is that his mother was not my age. The woman who gave birth was an adult my parents had hired to tutor my brother and me, simple as that, she was a university student and my parents needed someone to help with homework. What she did instead was to groom me. She made me believe things that weren't real, made me turn against the people who loved me and made me trust her and exclusively her and she used to steal money and valuables from my parents. What I believed was a relationship that made me feel indescribable happiness was a lie all along, I was just dumb enough to let someone control me.

It was not a one time thing, either. It went on for months, and only fell apart when, showing signs of pregnancy, got bolder and decided to directly extort my parents using their grandchild. My parents said no, and quickly put a stop to any contact she had with me. It led to a difficult and complicated battle, and I was supporting the wrong side. Ultimately, there was an agreement - my parents would take in my son, she'd get away and never show up around anymore. I regret that I let her get away.

My parents were his primary caretakers for his early years, in fact I hated him for a few months, but over time I started to impose myself more and more and take parental responsibilities. It was on my own terms, gradual, but eventually, as I already in University, I became the one fully responsible for him except money (I was still dependent on my parents).

For many of my teenage years, I refused to accept what happened to me. Tried to believe it was something different that what truly happened. Still, I was hurt. I started drinking very young, had severe problems with my body image (obsessively went to the gym, tried stuff I shouldn't have), but I got better. Can't delete the past, but can be better from now on

This post is not about these events. This is context, I've made pots in the past with my struggles as a father and the very events I talk about here. Many times, people seem to not understand why I can't approach things with as much level headedness and grace as I wish, this is why. When you're hurt like I was, it becomes difficult not perceiving everything as a chance to hurt you or those you love, that even if you do your best as my parents did, some things just get through. Also, many times people tell me to get therapy. That's unhelpful, for one I've been going to therapy for most of my life, it's already I thing a do, but also, somethings are just life long, I'm much better than I was in the past, and I hope to get better, but some wounds are just too deep and you have to manage the pain for the rest of your life. I think, I'm still young, the thing is, right now, I can't just rationalise my fears away. Doesn't work like that.

(Back to regular post)

At the time he started dating, he knowledge of sex education was just what kids normally receive. Given my past, there were some talks about how to recognise this and that, but only in nightmares I thoguth a conversation around sex required a lot of special attention while he was so young. Still, I know well you can't just sit by and see things go out of control, so I started a very clear dialogue with him about it. I tried to explain consent, I tried to explain protection, about the risks involved, from pregnancy, to diseases, to the social and emotional ramifications of sex. I asked him to reconsider, to avoid doing things until hewas definitively sure he was ready, I explained about social pressure, how sometimes it might not feel like it, but young people might push one another to do things they aren't ready for. I explained to him that he doesn't need to do things because his friends might be doing or encouraging him to. It was weeks and weeks and months and months of talks. I have my own example, he's been here for most of it now, I thought we were making progress.

I have to point out that we actually have a great relationship, we have been through a lot and we just got extremely close and came to trust one another. We talk about everything. He's wickedly smart, too, far ahead of his peers when it comes to emotional maturity (still a kid, just less inconsequential), he has a charming personality and people love him, when it comes to his interests and goals, he's extremely disciplined and, above all, he oozes confidence. I'm not just bragging about my kid being amazing (he is), the problem is that he's also stubborn. He attracts attention, he knows what he wants, he has the persuasiveness to achieve it and an unending feeling of invulnerability. He's a good kid, at least, but he can sometimes misjudge how much he can handle and can't back down.

So, I set rules, to make clear what is ok and what isn't. Strict rules, true, but for his well being. He can only go out (or stay home together) with his girlfriend if at least one parent is involved. I monitor his phone and devices. I contacted her parents, trying to make this work for all of us. They were more lenient than me, but good people and on board. For a few months, we were navigating this and all was well. Fortunately, his girlfriend was as determined as he was, had a good head on her shoulders, and "never got ready", as he'd say. Kids get bored quickly, but this relationship lasted a lot longer than I hoped, yet I was getting comfortable with since she was a good girl and positive influence on him.

Sadly, he was getting bored of waiting. This other girl, who I'm not fond of, entered our lives, from this redhead family I sometimes see in the garage of our building. She lives in the floor below us, so it's literally an elevator ride away. They are the same age, but different upbringings. Her parents, fundamentalist Christians, reign her and her older brother lives with an iron fist, though, as far as I can tell, they are a lot more harsh on her (he's also 18, so there's that). She doesn't like those rules, so she rebels, as kids in oppressive situations often do.

At first, they just talked. According to him, she felt locked up at home and he was being a good friend, supporting her. I didn't pay much attention to it, he was dating, and I didn't know this girl yet. Still, one day I got home from work earlier and they are in my living room, together, just hanging out in my couch in their phones. I have a rule of no girls at home without me also being around to keep an eye on them. I got furious, and went straight to knock on her parents door, her father answered it. We nearly got into a fight. It was stupid of, approaching a fundamentalist to talk about his daughter sneaking out with a boy, defintiviely didn't have her best concerns in my mind at the time. In any case, that got rid of her for a couple months. At the time it worried me a bit, so I put a box of condoms in his room just in case, I'm paranoid. In hindsight, I fear he might have taken this as an implicit permission.

I told the parents of his girlfriend, but overall the strain in his relationship was small. It's not like I found them kissing or doing couples related activities. Maybe I was tryign to deny what was happening. He said she just needed space away from her parents, he was angry for me telling on her, but over time he calmed down. Besides, he's a good kid, better than me, he was dating and he wouldn't cheat. I had many problems with that in the past, my difficulty to keep relationships due to my ecccentricities, so he knows well how bad it can go. After all, he's better than me.

Well, after a couple months of not seeing the ginger kid around, I once again got comfortable. My Friday nights were had turned to act as a chaperone for my kid in dates, but that was fine. Safe and wholesome.

Until one night, of course, when I get out of my room very late night after hearing a door opening and and see the ginger kid tiptoeing around. I didn't see what they were planning to do, but the fact she was there at that hour made me feel really bad. In fact, I had a panic attack, I just told her to go home and curled like I was going to die. My son tried to help me, but I instead said hurtful things to him, things I regret. I changed to be harsher.

Dialogues turned to lectures, cameras covering everything except private areas. Didn't even bother with her parents this time, I just tried to prevent her coming here all costs. I was apprehensive of telling his girlfriends parents, with a fear of that it'd lead to a break up and, in turn, make him turn even further to the ginger girl. I liked his girlfriend, but it had to be done. They broke up around the end of September, after nearly 1 year together, something I never expected from kids their age.

Despite all efforts, the cameras showed her coming here, many times. She was influencing him to rebel and openly disregard what I was saying. We would talk like normal, but when it came to her, communications broke down. I'd say something to enter through one ear and leave through another.

Doesn't help that his friends are little shitheads, encouraging his behaviour. I overhear them, they say things that make worried. Wish he'd get better friends, there are good kids in his school. It was a cat and mouse game and I was exhausted, I knew things were happening, at my own home, maybe outside where I had even less chances stop. Counselling and therapy didn't help, mind you, he's not going shaving his head into obsecene patterns or whatever the stereotype is, he's acting perfectly normal, he just happens to sneak out. His grades are fine, his activities are fine, it's just... that he sneaks out.

I wasn't doing fine, I'm not. My fiancée's mother has cancer and has moved to palliative care, which is stressful enough. Our toddler doesn't fully understand what is going, I tried to explain to him, and he just says "We have to enjoy the time we have with her" which is obviously not the words of a three year old, at some point he'll get enough understanding and it'll difficult. My fiancée herself is a difficult person when not stressed, it's magnifying everything. To make things worse, I'm losing weight. I went to the doctor, they suspected diabetes after the uncle I loved died in 2022 due to undiagnosed diabetes, but everything is fine. I am deflating, and it really feels awful to me because I got to the gym with him. We've been working out since he could walk, it's a thing we do together, he's even working a lot and his results are amazing. I had reached a very good spot too, not going to Mister Olympia but I'm happy. Now it's agoing down. It's such a blow to my selfesteem. My son says I'm just stressed and not eating enough, got a nutritionist's diet but haven't been following it, specially not the last few days.

Well, last week I got a call from school, I had to show up in person. He was suspended because he was in a bathroom with a girl. He says it "didn't get to that", and that it was just a boy who climbed over the stall to spy on them, and they nearly fought. He blames the other boy. He also received a warning, that it's not acceptable at school, and if keeps doing that I might have to look for another school. His school is really good and one of the few that attends to our particularities, I just can't move him, it's not an option.

It was the last drop, everything overflowed. I haven't gone to work since then, spent of the time in bed, without energy for anything. My parents asked me if I wanted to be with them, arranged a in house visit with a doctor, therapist, etc. Apparently, me thinking those girls want something from him is an unhealthy way to see thing, sometimes kids just do stupid things because they are things things out. I'm in the wrong even in how I feel. Worse still, he feels responsible in a way that hurts. He thinks he made me depressed, he starting to understand how he came to be and, well, that's upsetting to him, even though I explained it was not his fault. Now things are inverted, I'm rotting in bed while he cares for me, makes sure I eat, that I shower, doing laundry, helping with his brother, he's nursing me when I should be up, disciplining him instead. I can't do that. We've been talking a lot, too. Many things, he tries to cheer me up. Then he opened up to me, including telling me that yes, he had sex, his reasoning, how he feels about it, how he feared I'd be upset. He said he was sorry for what he did, crying and that hurt me so much. I'm the fuck up, I should be guiding my child and can't do it well, now I brought pain to us both.

I don't know dads, I think I failed. I let things happen in my own home and when the time to deal with them came I just broke. Now my son is so worried about me while I should be the one doing things. He shouldn't have to pay because of me.