stuck in a monogamous relationship that was supposed to be polyamorous

basically title I broke up with my ex this time last year because i knew i needed non monogamy and that was off the table, then i started a new relationship with two people around the same time, explicitly stating that i fully intended to be poly because monogamy does not work for me.

fast forward a few months and it turns out one of the people i dated was super abusive and after a ton of pain i finally got rid of them from my life. remaining with my other partner, we worked together to heal from that experience and agreed to stick to monogamy for now while we processed. I was okay with this at the time because i was under the impression that things would change.

a few months later, i asked about poly again and it was shut down after a lot of discussion, and put on indefinite hold.

I asked again recently and it seems like some aspects of polyamory are never going to be okay, such as having sex with other people. to reiterate, this was initially okay (not to say i don’t understand a boundary being changed!) and isn’t anymore.

All this to say, i feel super stuck and lost as to what direction i should take. polyamory and its offshoots have been meaningful to me since my first relationship over five years ago, and it hasn’t changed since. it is a part of my identity that i have been suppressing for years and i just can’t do it anymore. i am really hoping for some reassurance that my feelings are valid and i’m not just being a bad partner.