I had an aha moment

I am 31, but still feel so often I am stuck between 12 and 16 years old.

The other day I was thinking I wanted to watch a movie. The music from Annie has been stuck in my head so I'm like Oh maybe I'll watch Annie.

And then I was thinking I always liked Annie and related to her. Not so much the adoption aspect, but the dreaming of what parents could be like. And then my brain wandered to Matilda. Another one I loved growing up because I always hoped to find my Miss Honey, and very much related to and felt like Matilda.

And then I realized. I'm not Matilda anymore. I'm Miss Honey now.

And it was such a a surreal moment to think where I am in life isn't that little kid anymore who needs to be saved. I am the adult now who has to save herself and has the power to save someone else.

On one end it feels so....devastating. I've felt so trapped for so long feeling like a child. And I have 0 clue how to feel like an adult despite the fact I am in fact adulting fairly well (I am happily married in a healthy relationship, I have a career, we pay our bills on time, we are slowly building a savings and retirement, we own a house. Like all outside purposes I am adulting) but despite that...I feel stuck still. I feel like I really don't have time to be childish anymore, to enjoy the things I couldn't, to make mistakes and explore hobbies and interests.

But at the same time it feels so empowering to realize I can be a Miss Honey to someone else who needs that. I am still healing and trying to process the trauma...and my therapist posed to me really thinking about what I think it means to be an adult...and even writing this i have no idea. But it's empowering to think I can work on myself and inspire and save someone else. I can show them there is another path, there is kindness, and grace, and humility and love. There is another way to be and love and it doesn't have to be what our parents tried to instill in us.