This disorder is so hard to live with

I absolutely hate the fact that I got the depressive subtype. I feel so crappy basically all of the time and even worse when I’m in episodes

Along with that I have to deal with the psychosis aspect which is just as draining and energy consuming

Why couldn’t I have just been born without the disorder at all.. or at the very least if I was gonna have a psychotic disorder make it schizophrenia rather than schizoaffective

I’d rather be psychotic than have my mood constantly at a low because it takes away so much more for me, although psychosis can be pretty hard to deal with too

No joy, no motivation, numbness, low energy, anxious all of the time, drained, and so on

Having to deal with both sides is so difficult I barely make it by day by day

I’m still here which is good though

Just ugh. I’m just so tired of this and making it years seems really difficult right now