I'm transgender, and will likely not transition

I don't have the typical narrative of "always knowing" and that's probably the reason it took me until my late 20s' to start questioning and ~4 years to accept it. Since early teens I've known I'd have preferred to be the opposite gender but partly due to severe social anxiety have done my best to fit in. I've always found even simple things like buying clothes for myself to be extremely difficult so I'd have my brother or my dating partner help pick me clothes I could tolerate. At the same time I've always had fascination to clothes of the opposite sex. Only time I get traditional feeling of dysphoria is when I'm dressing up.

Before I started questioning things every time I saw a (passing) trans person in papers/TV I was really jealous of them. During my questioning phase I've watched a lot of transgender content creators, transition timelines and have found feeling the same way for most of them. To balance things out I have spend a lot of time watching and listening to people holding the opposite views. Although most of them make me feel bad, and I feel like many tend to make gross misinterpretations/misrepresentation on research and data, I consider knowing both sides of the discussion important.

My social anxiety has improved a lot. I've grown from extremely shy person who would blush and shake when talking to a cashier to someone who is generally well liked, can easily laugh at themselves and doesn't mind being the center of attention. I don't think the anxiety is gone, I'm just much better at managing it. However I feel like it is still the biggest thing holding me back. I can play the role of my gender well enough - I've done it my whole life. I can fake a smile, I can take all the verbal harassment and bullying and usually bounce it back since I don't really like being me. This is something I was able to vocalize to my therapist years before I even considered I might be me "I like myself but I don't like being me".

What I don't know is how well I could take it if I were to try and be a genuine version of myself. I know that the reasons not to transition aren't about how I feel - they're about how I'd fit in. How people around me would treat me.

I feel like my options are to either continue my existence as is. I have good things going on in my life. I have people who love me, life is bearable. Most of the time I don't think about unaliving but dying is not something that scares me - trading my life for another or just dying young are things I would welcome. There are only a few things I look forward to. I'm not depressed but I've been depressed. I have plans and goals but I'm not hugely motivated by any of them.
The other option I feel is trying to transition. For me it'd likely only mean hormonal treatment and maybe some minor facial surgery. However I'm scared how I'd be able to deal with the fallout: How well I'd manage with the hate when I'm actually being vulnerable. How would I deal with the reactions of people that are close to me.

To me it feels like not transitioning is low risk - low reward option. I'll live, try to enjoy the few little things that bring me a modicum of joy and accept that this is my life and that I'm just somewhat miserable person. At least there are people around me I can make happy.
Transitioning feels like the high risk - high reward option. I could have a chance to like seeing my reflection and being me. However I'm afraid there's a realistic chance of not being able to cope with all the negativity and I'd hate nothing more than being another statistic - not solely for me but the community in general since I've seen how those are often used as a justification to attempts of blocking care.