Are any of yall 30+yo? I feel really isolated and like an angsty teen and just need to know I'm not the only one.

Hey all. Title says most of it.

I'm struggling tough the last few weeks and I just feel like I'm the only 36 year old who still can't get a fucking grip and use their words or talk about how they are feeling in a non self destructive way. I cannot have a conversation about my feelings face to face to safe my life. My husband and I have been together for 15 years (married 2.5) and I still feel overwhelmed and so embarrassed to talk to him about literally anything. I'm dx'd borderline, bipolar 1 and avoidant personality and I know self harm comes with the territory but lately I feel so incredibly isolated and alone. I'm on the verge of sobbing nearly 24/7 but can't ever put into words what or how I am feeling. It's always "im fine" or "it's okay it's no big deal" when in fact I am very far from fine. I have tried therapy dozens of times but I'm even embarrassed and ashamed to tell them how I am feeling so I just lie or make up small talk and pretend that everything is good and I just get sad here and there like every other human on this planet.

I'm so incredibly hopeless and lost and I cannot seem to shake it this time. Sorry for ranting and whining. I truly just needed to get this out there to hopefully convince myself that I am not the only almost 40 year old who acts like a suicidal teenager sitting in the bathroom running the shower with a scalpel in my hands. I feel sondumb and pathetic and just broken I guess.

Sorry for ranting.

I hope youre all doing well ♡