made the 🌈 appointment but feel insanely guilty

this is my sweet girl, 14 years young in january. or, would have been. i made the appointment for tomorrow. i have no idea how to cope with the guilt, i know she's been in pain and had stopped eating for weeks but i just cant help but feel like im being cruel penciling her in for certain death. she's had health issues for a few years, just kept getting worse, this time she wont be bouncing back.

how did you cope? what if she would have gotten better eventually? how am i supposed to go into work monday? i cant do the holidays like this, how do i respond to "merry Christmases"? happy new years? don't they know my childhood friend is gone? forever? what am i supposed to do with her things? i cant get rid of them, they're mocha's.

just a vent post i guess but im so sad. how did you deal with your baby "suddenly" having to pass? how do you deal with the sad :/ all who have lost loved ones are so strong, this is my first loved one passing. a privilege, i suppose. still, i feel so much guilt.

anyway, if someone actually sees this post, thanks for reading. i hope mocha makes new friends after tomorrow. i hope she gets the rest she deserves