Do I deserve this?

I’m just a 18 year old and my life has been living hell. My father passed away when I was 10 because of alcoholism. Ever since we have been in a very very toxic household with his parents. Where we constantly here that we ( me and my mom ) are the reason my father died, we spoilt their ( my father’s parent’s life ). I have an elder brother, who has severe severe adhd, he’s 21 now, throughout life he has never ever had friends or a social life. He has always been alone, my father was his best friend until life snatched him away from us. I moved abroad to pursue my education ( I was extremely scared and hesitant what if something happened to someone ). One month into college my grandfather passed away, I couldn’t go back home for his funeral either. Since then my household has become even more toxic, my grandmother makes life terrible for my mom. Keeps on passing comments that ur mother is a good for nothing shameful lady, when in reality she has given up her life to provide for me and my brother, to still try and give us a normal childhood. My grandmother has given me every reason to hate her. All through this my brother has gone through a lot. Now fast forward 4 months after my grandfather passing, my brother has been diagnosed with Becker muscular dystrophy. He will eventually end up crippled in a wheel chair. It absolutely breaks my heart seeing them suffer, I would rather have god give it to me than to him. I have never believed in god, why do I when we as a family have been through so much? Like how is this justified ? Every-time I try to believe in god, that he or she will protect us, something terrible happens. How do I look beyond all this negativity when all my peers have much more normal lives